Why Are Guys Spitting On Me During Sex? The Rise Of Spit Kink In Casual Hookups

“Halfway through, I almost wanted to spit on you.”

I’ve just finished engaging in an extracurricular activity with a new friend I met on Bumble. We had a good time, he’s a few years older, and now we’re enjoying that sweaty cuddle where you suddenly spill your childhood trauma before leaving and never speaking again — iykyk. I’m taken aback by his confession and the light tone with which he said it. I had never had someone spit on me or even suggest it. And let’s just say there won’t be any stained glass windows with my serene face on them. I’ve tried enough in the bedroom, and yet this is the first time anyone has ever mentioned spitting on me. I laugh it off, and he clearly senses my reluctance.

This wasn’t the last time the topic of spit would come up with a potential romantic partner. In the weeks that followed, two people mentioned wanting to spit on me during sex. (Both of those didn’t pan out to anything more than chat, so I never got to decide if I’d actually let them.)

But my curiosity was ignited, so I went full Carrie Bradshaw and brought the topic up the next time I saw my friends. The group was split: half were repulsed by the thought, and the other half confessed to having a partner ask for it, if not doing it. (I will say the repulsed crew are the ones who also don’t consider anything backdoor, so they’re not the most unbiased sample.) It seems like the girlies of brunch were united: more and more people were suggesting or just downright spitting in sex.

From anecdotal reports of a “rise in choking” to general frustration around the pornification of casual sex, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised that my friends and I had similar kink-adjacent experiences during recent hookups. So, I decided to clear my throat and get to the bottom of this: why do guys suddenly want to spit on us during sex?

Why Is Everyone DTS — Down to Spit?

Image Credit: Getty Images

It’s 2022, and all eyes are on the Don’t Worry Darling cast at the Venice Film Festival. Until now, we’ve all focused on potential tension between lovers-to-enemies Harry Styles and Olivia Wilde. But when Harry and his hair edge down the row of seats to sit beside Chris Pine, he seemingly, unexpectedly, inexplicably… appears to spit on him. This is ALLEGEDLY, OBVIOUSLY. Chris has denied the spitting, and Harry has yet to comment in his sexy British accent. And while rationally, I think it’s unlikely he spat, the video sure does look suspicious. Could it be that SpitGate ignited a fluid movement, perhaps without our recognition?

Though, I have to admit that it’s unlikely we were all unconsciously inspired by Harry Styles, and that it encouraged a kind of furious spitting in the bedroom. Despite my best binging, I couldn’t find any recent TV shows or films that included spitting in a sexy way — except for Rachel Weisz and Rachel McAdams mind-altering makeout in Disobedience (2017) — that might explain this uptick in interest.

For research purposes, I went back to one of my Hinge matches and asked why he had wanted to spit on me. He immediately unmatched me when I dutifully mentioned this was for an article I’m writing — does no one want to support journalism nowadays? But the other match agreed to provide a quote (using a pseudonym).

Perry* (29) wrote the following message for you all. The only changes I made were to fix some typos, as in the words of our goddess Sabrina Carpenter, “This boy doesn’t even know the difference between there, their, and they are,” and I couldn’t have that associated with my work.

“Idk where I first heard about spitting. I think it was in some porn video I watched. My mate brought up how he does it with his girlfriend, and it sounded hot. I’ve done it with a few girls, but I always ask first. One hated it, and we didn’t hook up again. Another said she was surprised she liked it. I haven’t had a girl spit on me yet, but I’d be down. And by spitting, I mean into their mouth, not like on them lol.”

What Is A Spit Kink? And Why Do People Like It

After I exhausted Perry’s expertise, I turned to some actual experts about whether they thought spitting is the new choking. But first, what is a spit kink? “Spit kink or spit play is a sexual act where individuals spit into their partner’s mouth or onto their body,” Melissa Cook, PhD, sex therapist and advisor to FunWithFeet, tells Betches. “It can also involve swapping spit during intimate moments.”

So, clearly it’s far more than just a hawk tuah. But what do people enjoy about spit kinks? “This type of sexual act can be arousing because of its taboo nature and also because it can be primal,” Dr. Cook explains. “The idea of spitting is also considered impolite and unsavory in the modern world, which adds a sense of rebellion and excitement to the bedroom.”

Isabelle Uren, sex expert at Bedbible.com, adds that it can also come back to dominant and submissive roles. “In terms of the psychological attraction of spit play, it can be a way to explore power dynamics or erotic humiliation, which many people find arousing. There is also the sense of intimacy that comes with sharing bodily fluids with a partner.”

It’s like when a sexual partner calls you a slut, and you know you should be a good feminist and tell them to cut that shit out… but you don’t because you kind of maybe, just a bit, like it? For some, spitting might feel far more ~intense~ than other kinks, like spanking or blindfolds. Perhaps this stems from the degradation, but is it really that much more demeaning than other things we do or say in the bedroom?

“Spit kink isn’t necessarily more extreme or different than other kinks — it just taps into a different sensation and type of excitement,”Annabelle Knight, sex & relationships expert for Lovehoney, tells Betches. “Like all kinks, it’s really about finding mutual enjoyment and respecting boundaries.”

But why do spit kinks suddenly feel — for lack of better words — popular right now? “Spit kinks do seem to be gaining more attention,” Knight agrees. “Thanks to more open discussions about sexuality and kinks on social media and in pop culture, people are feeling more comfortable exploring these kinds of fetishes.” (Cough, cough Hawk Tuah girl). “There’s also been a shift in how we approach sexual experimentation, with more emphasis on trying new things and breaking taboos.”

Girls Can Spit, Too

Image Credit: Bleecker Street

Angel*(25) first experienced spit play when a “fuckboy” she was seeing introduced it in bed. The resulting session was harder, rougher, and far more enjoyable than what she’d experienced until then. “I enjoyed it so much that I stole it for future activity!” she says.

From there, Angel became the one launching spit into the mix. She’ll happily introduce it to new sexual partners and is yet to have any complaints. In fact, she laughs and tells me, “They all loved it and then initiated it themselves afterward.” Angel might just be inaugurating the new generation of spitters.

As for why she enjoys this forceful swap of saliva, Angel seems to relate to the control of the matter. “I prefer to be the spitter as it’s such a power move,” she explains. “Being the spittee is fine. Alternating is fun.”

Angel hasn’t told any of her friends about her newfound interest. Well, unless you can count me, discussing spit play might just mean we’re besties now.

As for Nesta*(27), spit play definitely wasn’t her idea for the first few times. She mentioned that she didn’t love it or hate it at first. “I wasn’t really even aware of it before my current boyfriend; it never really crossed my mind that it was something to do,” she explains. “In fact, I remember a guy I saw briefly joking about spitting into my mouth, as my head was on his lap and he was above me, and I said something like, ‘Don’t do that, it’s disgusting and so degrading!’ Now, I regularly ask my boyfriend to spit on me.”

Initially, it was something Nesta or her boyfriend would ask the other for, but now they’ve apparently evolved past the need for confirmation. Although they’re both in agreement that it isn’t something for morning sex, as morning breath doesn’t need that extra layer. Plus, idk about you, but my mouth is way too dry to hawk tuah before a cup of tea.

Nesta has since told a few friends, “It’s not something I would necessarily hide or be shy about, but I also don’t need to go around telling everyone.” I wonder if this openness comes from doing it with a steady partner rather than casual situationships like Angel’s.

Before You Spit

Don’t lie. You’re curious about it, too, now. So, to help, I also asked each of my experts for their advice on those looking to enter the wild world of spitting in sex:

• Communication: “Spit play can be really intimate but also triggering and uncomfortable for some,” Cook says. “So make sure you’ve discussed boundaries, preferences, expectations, and desires.”
• Hygiene: “Good oral care can help minimize risks,” Knight says. “Especially if you’re spitting in or near someone’s mouth.” Although there is a low risk of infections being transmitted, if either person has telltale signs like a sore throat or has sores or cuts in their mouth, spit play should be avoided.
• Aftercare: “Trying a new sexual activity can be a vulnerable experience, so it’s important to incorporate aftercare,” Uren says. “This could be cuddling, offering some positive feedback and reassurance to your partner, and talking about what you enjoyed or didn’t enjoy.”

Like all kinks, spitting is about mutual enjoyment, consent, and respecting boundaries. Ask before you spit, use a good mouthwash, and make sure your partner is right there with you.