Why “Avoidant Discard” Is Worse Than Ghosting

We’ve been there before: A relationship is going great, you and this other person are having a great time, connecting on so many different levels, and then one day… things get weird. Without rhyme or reason, they start to pull away a little. They don’t outright ghost you, but somehow, this feels a little worse: they seem less interested in you, they’re slower to respond to your texts — they still speak to you, but it starts to feel like pulling teeth trying to see them. This, my friends, is called “avoidant discard.” At least, according to people on TikTok.

Image Credit: The CW

What Is Avoidant Discard?

So, is this an actual term defined by a psychologist? Nope. But we know TikTok loves to label everything. And while this can feel excessive, I think this is one of those things we needed a name for.

Avoidant discard is usually tied to people who have an avoidant attachment style, which means they typically run for the hills when things get too intimate or emotional. And lo and behold, they tend to take part in avoidant discard when this happens.

Instead of having a conversation about what they’re feeling or whether they even want a relationship, they begin to pull away.

Licensed psychotherapist Randi Corrigan explains that this could mean your partner is slowly fading you out or struggling with their avoidant attachment style.

“We must understand that the core of avoidant attachment style is a deep-rooted fear of emotional intimacy and vulnerability,” Corrigan tells Betches. “Although we often cannot detect this anxiety in these individuals, they are absolutely feeling it the closer they get to someone in a relationship.”

Sure, the assumption is that the closer we get to someone the safer they should feel with us — but it doesn’t exactly work that way for people with an avoidant attachment style.

“Based on their history and relational trauma, these individuals have developed a defense mechanism of hyper-independence,” she says.

She explains that they were probably emotionally neglected in their past (most likely early childhood), so they’ve put walls up. Their unconscious perception of intimacy in relationships is, “I am not safe.” Although they crave closeness like anyone else, the closer they get in relationships, the scarier it becomes and the higher the chance the avoidant behaviors will be acted on.

What To Do If Your Partner Is Doing The Avoidant Discard

If you’ve been on the receiving end of avoidant discard, I’ve been there, and I know it absolutely fucking sucks. Corrigan calls it “emotional torture,” and honestly, that’s the perfect way to describe it. You begin to spiral, trying to figure out WTF went wrong.

“The inclination is to cling on tighter, ask questions, and ‘fix’ the problem,” Corrigan says.

Instead, she suggests doing the opposite. “The best course of action here is to give the person the space they are seeking,” Corrigan says. “Because the avoidant may be feeling smothered by our love and intimate connection, the last thing we want to do is reinforce that, but we also want to ensure they know that we are there for them.”

But you also want to make sure your feelings are being accounted for in this situation. Setting a timeline is important. Corrigan suggests no more than a few hours — which, of course, requires a lot of patience and self-assurance.

“You cannot love someone into loving you back or feeling safe with you,” she says. “That simply means that your partner’s avoidant attachment style has nothing to do with you.”

The reality here is that only your partner (and their therapist) can work through these issues. But just because they’re struggling with something doesn’t mean you must discard your boundaries and emotional needs. If you notice your partner isn’t doing the work or getting help, you have no obligation to stick around.

“This is not your opportunity to prove your worth because trust me when I say you will fail,” Corrigan says. “This could also be your opportunity to walk away and know your worth since you do not deserve to be stranded in a relationship when things get hard and left alone to work on things.”

Relationships are not meant to be one-sided, and it’s your responsibility to stand up for yourself when it feels like you’re putting in the work alone.

Why Avoidant Discard Is Worse Than Ghosting

Now, some of you may be thinking, “Well, at least they’re not ghosting.” But I genuinely believe that this avoidant discard bullshit is way worse than ghosting. Sure, ghosting fucking sucks — but at least with ghosting, there’s no question about your relationship with that person. I mean, you might wonder what led to the ghosting, of course, but if someone’s ignoring you… it’s pretty safe to say the relationship is done. But avoidant discard is basically dragging someone along and making them feel absolutely crazy as they do it.

I’ve been in situations where everything is going great with a man, and then suddenly… it’s not. For almost virtually no reason, they start to text slower, make plans less, and just stop flirting as much. And I have to tell you: it’s pretty heartbreaking, mostly because it makes you question what you did wrong.

I think any situation where someone isn’t being totally upfront and transparent with their partner (or someone they’re involved with romantically) is extremely selfish. So when that manifests as ignored texts and cold, distant conversations, it really fucking sucks.

“Emotional abandonment is not fair,” Corrigan says.

We’re adults, and sure, we identify with different attachment styles based on our life experiences — but we should all aim to have secure attachment styles. If we know we tend to veer toward unhealthy patterns in relationships, we can’t just throw our hands up and say, “it is what it is,” — especially when that comes at the cost of someone else’s feelings. I know we’ve collectively all moved into a place where we say, “We don’t owe anyone anything,” but I think that’s dangerous and extremely shitty. If commitment scares you and you feel yourself closing off from your partner, either go to a fucking therapist or let them know that you’re not ready for a relationship — because pulling away so that they can lose their minds questioning themselves is kinda evil.