Yay, You’re Dating Somebody New! But When Do You Tell Them How Much You Make?

In the timeline of a relationship, there are some key, defining moments. And no, I’m not talking about the endearing moments like when you drop the “L” bomb for the first time or meet each other’s families. I’m talking about the times when the situation is so awkward that you don’t know if your relationship will recover — you know, like when you fart in front of them for the first time or let them know you really don’t like their mom. However, a somewhat necessary milestone that seems uncomfortable no matter how you spin it is when you tell your partner how much money you make — and essentially ask for their salary in response.

Now, this isn’t awkward for some people. Some couples are super open about their financial situations, especially if they’re already sharing some of their money responsibilities. But for others, let’s just say it’s a conversation they’d rather avoid forever.

When To Talk Finances With Someone You’re Dating

Image Credit: Photo by Mikhail Nilov via Pexels

Because we are adults and the economy is shit, information like this can be really important — especially if you’re trying to make a decision about something like moving in together or getting married. It can also come up if you’re planning a vacation or trying to get a better idea of your financial stresses as a couple. I know money conversations aren’t the sexiest thing (unless, of course, you’re talking about how much of an excess you have), but they are necessary.

If you’re hoping for a specific date and time when you should corner your partner and say, “Hey, I make X amount of money… so how much money do you make?” you’re out of luck. However, psychology professor and relationship expert Dr. Wendy Walsh explains that it’s more about where your feelings are. She explains that if you can answer yes to the three following questions, then you’re ready to dive into that convo:

1. Will I still feel attracted to them if I learn they make substantially less money than me?
2. Does this partner appear to have enough self-esteem to handle that I may make more?
3. Do I deeply trust them with this information? Do I really know their values and morals?

Dr. Walsh explains that if you’re in a heterosexual relationship, gender roles might play a role in how awks this conversation could get. “As the average female far outpaces the average American in terms of educational attainment, and women now make up the majority of the American workforce, economic clout is fast becoming the purview of the feminine,” Dr. Walsh says. “Some men feel emasculated when they learn that a woman earns more money than they do.”

If you’re like me, your initial instinct is to say, “Why TF do I care about a man feeling emasculated?” But this all goes into having the conversation with your partner. This discussion isn’t just about how much money you two make — it could open the door to finding out how your partner really feels about splitting up financial responsibilities and showing up in the relationship.

So take your time and make sure you’re ready before you have the money talk.