Topics: Ariana Grande, Christmas, Holidays, Music, Sabrina Carpenter
‘Tis the season to celebrate the birth of Jesus by jamming out to tunes packed with sexual innuendos and festive vocal runs. Because when you throw in some bells and violins, it’s holy, not slutty! Making a Christmas song or album is a crucial milestone in every Christmas-celebrating pop star’s career. But note: Results will vary. Not everyone can pull off a masterpiece like Ariana Grande’s Christmas & Chill or Sabrina Carpenter’s fruitcake (my personal faves). That’s why I’ve painstakingly selected a variety of gems including classics, newer bops, and comedic takes on the genre.
As a Jew, I fear we’re in dire need of Hanukkah pop bangers — our people have been too busy writing the popular Christmas songs. Respectfully begging Troye Sivan or Madison Beer or Jack Antonoff to make a Hanukkah album that we can get down to, but until then, Adam Sandler and the Glee cast will have to suffice.
Without further ado, please go shake ass to this holiday playlist curated just for folks with a sophisticated musical palate.
“Santa Tell Me” – Ariana Grande
An undeniable banger. A required Christmas classic since the year of lord 2014. A stunning preview to Christmas & Chill, which would come out the following year and change lives. (Make sure you’re also streaming the heartwarming “December” and “Wit It This Christmas.”)
“buy me presents” – Sabrina Carpenter
A more basic gal would’ve gone with “a nonsense Christmas,” but I’m choosing to give “buy me presents” some love today. “He’s a little bit older (like super old) / Got a bit of a dad bod / From a city that’s colder (brrr) / But dammit he’s so hot” should’ve won her a Grammy.
“Hanukkah Oh Hanukkah” – Glee Cast
In my expert opinion, you can never go wrong with the Glee cast, and this track adds the perfect touch of nostalgia, obnoxious musical theater energy, and Hanukkah to one’s festivities.
“Drummer Boy” – Justin Bieber
This nearly four-minute experience involves aggressive drums, completely random synths, rap verses from both Justin and Busta Rhymes, and some of the best lyrics I’ve ever heard. (“Yeah, I’m on the beat ‘cause the beat goes dumb / And I only spit heat ‘cause I’m playin’ for the Son.”
“All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey
No duh. Basic as hell though this song may be, there’s a reason why it’s so legendary. It’s scientifically impossible to outdo Mariah, the queen of Christmas herself! Every time I listen to this song, I attempt the whistle tone note, and every time, I fail.
“The Chanukah Song” – Adam Sandler
This is like the “All I Want For Christmas Is You” of Hanukkah, because we don’t have much else. If you’re looking for more unhinged, rambling Hanukkah tunes, there are four versions of this song. Go crazy.
“Christmas Tree Farm” – Taylor Swift
Taylor grew up on a Christmas tree farm and wrote a song about it, because of course. While this doesn’t seem like amazing songwriting material, the woman’s pen game is unmatched, and she wound up with a very jolly hit.
“Santa, Can’t You Hear Me” – Kelly Clarkson & Ariana Grande
I need people to put some respect on this “Santa, Can’t You Hear Me” duet’s name, immediately. It’s not everyday two of the most gifted vocalists alive join forces and make herstory.
“I’ll Be Home For Christmois” – Camila Cabello
Why would you listen to “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” when you could listen to “I’ll Be Home For Christmois”? Make it make sense. I stan Camila and I’m just spreading the gospel.
“The Christmas Song” – Olivia Dean
Honestly, it feels like a holiday every time I hear Olivia’s angelic vocals. This one’s for the girls craving a mellow, wholesome Christmas jam and manifesting a Best New Artist Grammy for our queen next month.
“Like It’s Christmas” – Jonas Brothers
It’s no surprise the boys who basically grew up in a church understand how to craft a Christmas banger. This catchy tune will have the whole fam snapping and step-touching-ing in no time.
“is it new years yet” – Sabrina Carpenter
My hot take? This is the greatest holiday song ever made. I am obsessed. Sabrina’s getting real about the annoying-as-hell parts of the holiday season, and I think she laced this melody with crack.
