Are you sitting down? Good, because People decided to start summer early with their brand new Hot Guy Summer campaign. Oooh, yes, I’ll take a little male objectification as a treat! But I didn’t expect to be jump-scared into next week when I was confronted with all of Bravo’s worst single men in one place on my feed. Seeing Shep Rose, Jesse Solomon, Carl Radke, Tom Sandoval, and Fraser Olender posing together for a sexy summer photoshoot felt like all of my sleep paralysis demons got glam to gang up on me so bad I pinched myself only to discover I was indeed awake. Was a sexy, unproblematic king, like Captain Jason, not an option for the love of God???

Worth mentioning, Tyson Beckford (literal gorgeous model) is also in the group thanks to his upcoming Bravo show, Kings Court, and I will be excluding Tyson from this narrative until those receipts drop. But otherwise, this motley crew of dating offenders giving advice about their love lives is so laughable that the concept could sell out the damn Apollo theatre. Like, of course, I’m secretly thankful for these guys’ cartoonishly awful storylines because that’s show business, baby, but that doesn’t mean The North doesn’t remember. Perhaps most chillingly of all, did West Wilson pass up free press?! Maybe Mr. Mustache wanted to escape being roasted online because the only cold comfort in my legal obligation to immediately binge what these Peter Pans had to say was the internet’s reaction to Bravo men’s Hot Guy Summer dating advice.

Bravo Cast “Hot Guy Summer” People Interview Quotes

Shep Rose

Shep says the perk of dating him is that he loves “having a good time” and is “up for whatever, I love saying yes.” That’s actually pretty damn accurate since Sienna was the one saying no quite a bit. Shep also advised Jesse and the others to “Ignore the negative comments because there’s a ginormous amount of people that really enjoy the show you’re on. You provide entertainment, they forget about their troubles.” I’ll co-sign the second half!

Tom Schwartz

Schwartz says he’s a catch because he’s “easy like Sunday morning.” I mean, true, his ex-wife Katie was of the opinion he was too easy-going. Like knowing his best friend was having a secret affair with someone else in their friend group level of easy.

Schwartz says his ideal match is “Someone who knows what they want but isn’t too rigid that they can’t grow with you.” Okay, cool, so growth is on the table.

Jesse Solomon

Jesse (who told the outlet that he’s “not really dating right now” but “open to finding someone great” ???) had an interesting comment about dating a fan: “Is it bad if someone is a fan, and they’re just up-front about it? It’s a good show! You can’t hold it against them.” Guess everyone in the comments is marked safe. Jesse also shared he’s a catch because if you date him, “it’s going to be a blast.” Uhhh, Lexi begs to differ! He also said his relationship must-have is “communication,” which he plans to level up on for the next one. I have to laugh.

In case you were hoping the hype was giving Jesse a chance to take some accountability with the Lexi sitch, don’t hold your breath. “It’s not fun that people are pretty upset and calling me names. It’s hard. But as much as you can, you just ignore the noise and know that you tried to do the right thing,” adding, “The haters are people that you probably wouldn’t even be boys with anyways, so who cares what they think?”

Carl Radke

Carl is looking for “Someone who is smart, is good with their family, and likes to be a little silly and giggle.” Ugh, giggle, another word to add to Carl’s special lexicon alongside “tight hugs” and “soft.” Carl also said that when he watches back footage of himself getting freaky on TV, like the one time he made out with Ciara (lol), it makes Carl say, “That was a hot make-out.”

Fraser Olender

“People think that I’m looking for someone who’s super uptight — that’s me. I’m not looking for me per se,” Fraser said when describing is an ideal person. Hey, kinda stan him being self-aware.

Tyson Beckford

When asked if he’d date a reality TV castmate, Tyson said, “I’m on a dating show, so I was forced to!” Tyson also admitted he “need[s] a bestie that loves to fly.” Tyson, I’m available for all upcoming private jet trips.

Funniest Internet Reactions To Bravo Men’s Hot Guy Summer Shoot

Naturally, when I saw the most important breaking news of the day, I ran to the comments, and they did not disappoint. “Nightmare blunt rotation,” one Bravoholic wrote. “Ummm Jesse and Shep talking about finding “the one”?! Is this a male version of how to lose a guy in 10 days and you just do the opposite of what they say?” LOL, pop-off film critic! “Carl is giving Mormon Wife intro in his solo shoot” made me cackle because I love the cross-network discourse.

“The longer I look, the scarier it gets,” “Single for MANY reasons!!!!” and “You mean ‘charming, single, and toxic'” pretty much summarized my internal monologue while swiping. My favorite reply had to be, “The comments here have sent me to outer space,” because same, bestie, same.

Who are the Bravo men in People’s Hot Guy Summer?

For reasons I’ll need to read a dissertation on the lineup includes: Shep from Southern Charm, Tom Schwartz, formerly of Vanderpump Rules fame but more recently any show that will have him, Jesse Solomon and Carl from Summer House, Fraser from the Below Deck universe, and model Tyson Beckford. All of these dudes (except Tyson) have personally terrorized my soul with their on-screen behavior.

Shep’s longest relationship with Taylor was the opposite of couple goals, and his pursuit of Sienna sent shivers up my spine. Schwartz’s entire dunzo marriage to Katie, from throwing a beer in her face to cheating on her, was also not quite role-model behavior. Carl called off his wedding on national television, Jesse is fighting massive love bombing allegations, and while Fraser didn’t display any dating faux pas on Bravo, his treatment of his stews in his most recent season had me throwing major side-eye (and Fraser turning his IG comments off).