I Made The Necessary Edits To ‘The Tortured Poets Department’

Even the best writers in the world need an editor, and that’s why I’m volunteering as tribute to polish Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department. Taking deep breaths ’cause this is probably the bravest thing I’ve done since watching JoJo Siwa’s “Karma” music video. Obviously, the 14-time Grammy winner’s songwriting genius is undeniable and has made her a billionaire for a reason. That being said, many reasonable Swifties (me) are noticing that a few TTPD lines are kinda out of touch, offensive, or just aggressively millennial. Taylor is a living legend in 2024, but she’s also a human white woman with more money than God Herself… and it does show on this record.

Blondie temporarily lost her mind, thought the ever-controversial Matty Healy was The One, and then got pissed at us for pointing out that he made a racist joke about her new bestie, Ice Spice. That’s already a rocky foundation for a double album if we’re being totally honest. While fans are grateful for 31 new songs, there’s a reason why some tracks usually get left in the “vault”; they might be rough drafts or simply not as strong as others. As a Gen Z, a Taylor fan, a relatively good person, and a musical prodigy, I feel confident in my TTPD edits. I did my very best to step into Taylor’s stilettos and channel her truths. Call me to discuss these further, Tree.

Lyric Edits

Image Credit: Getty

“I Hate It Here”

ORIGINAL: My friends used to play a game where / We would pick a decade / We wished we could live in instead of this / I’d say the 1830s but without all the racists / And getting married off for the highest bid

EDITS: My friends used to play a game where / We would pick a summer / We wished we could relive instead of this / I’d say 2016 but without Pokémon GO/ And Calvin Harris

“The Prophecy”

ORIGINAL: Don’t want money / Just someone who wants my company

EDITS: I love money / Just a billionaire who wants company

“The Tortured Poets Department”

ORIGINAL: We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist / I scratch your head, you fall asleep / Like a tattooed golden retriever

EDITS: We declared Chappell Roan should be a bigger artist / I scratch your head, you fall asleep / Like a [insert literally any other metaphor]

“I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)”

ORIGINAL: They shake their heads saying, “God help her” / When I tell them he’s my man / But your good lord doesn’t need to lift a finger / I can fix him, no, really, I can

EDITS: They shake their heads saying, “God help her” / When I tell them he’s my man / But your good lord really needs to lift a finger / I CAN’T fix him, no, really, I can’t ’cause he’s racist

“So High School”

ORIGINAL: You know how to ball, I know Aristotle / Brand new, full throttle / Touch me while your bros play Grand Theft Auto

EDITS: I’m not sure this one can be saved.

Missed Collab Opportunities

“Fresh Out The Slammer” – Gypsy Rose Blanchard

I need a “FOTS” verse from tortured poet Gypsy Rose immediately. She can feel free to spill all the Ryan and Ken tea while she’s at it.

“imgonnagetyouback” – Olivia Rodrigo

Considering this song uses the same exact word play concept as “Get Him Back” by Olivia, we should at least include the rising star in a remix or give her 50 percent of the writing credits (*cough cough*).

“I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)” – AD Smith

I would like to see self-proclaimed “fix-a-hoe” AD from Love Is Blind contribute her perspective to this one. A Clay Gravesande and Matty-inspired song? That’s history right there.

“Guilty As Sin?” – Ariana Grande

This song is majorly giving “intro (end of the world)” from Eternal Sunshine. Can you imagine a Taylor and Ariana bop about them getting bored with Joe and Dalton and fantasizing about Matty and Ethan? Opportunity is calling. Answer the phone, ladies.

Cut Suggestions

The Tortured Poets Department Cuts: Don’t hate me, but I’m not a huge fan of “Fortnight.” I think we could replace the track with a catchier, more uptempo lead single. It also seems productive to scrap “”Florida!!!” and “The Alchemy,” which aren’t doing a whole lot for me. (Apologies, Travis and Florence.)

The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology Cuts: I fear we could basically cut the entire second half except for “thanK you aIMee,” an iconic addition to the Taylor/Kim Feud Timeline.