Ranking The ‘Summer House’ Couples From Romcom To Horror Story

With the previous season’s unbearable cast-wide fixation on the quick progression of Lindsay and Carl’s relationship combined with the full-court press of said relationship’s untimely demise over the summer, it was a given that season 8 of Summer House would focus on the couple’s short-lived happy ever after turned Hampton’s nightmare. And while we’re on the subject let’s just get this out of the way: for anyone waiting on an apology from Hubbhouse truthers who defended Lindsay’s right to fly too close to the sun last season, I’d advise you not to hold your breath because our creed still stands: Even if your friend is potentially moving too fast, it’s still not your place to insensitively scream that from the rooftops whether you end up being right or not. Argue with your mom!!

But back to the point at hand, the latest summer session of binge-drinking and bickering has surprisingly made room for more than just one relationship to be overanalyzed under Bravo’s unforgiving microscope. While some of the housemates are serving puppy love that has us drooling others are having us google divorce lawyers even though we’re single. Here’s an honest ranking of the current Summer House relationships from romantic comedy to “uh, is this the beginning of an episode of Snapped?”

West and Ciara

After multiple seasons of watching a literal model get played by someone who is most famous for screaming his ex-girlfriend’s name in purple underwear, it’s about damn time we see Ciara get a W. While it remains a mystery how Austen, whose persona is best described as the last sips of beer left in a red solo cup, managed to get the time of day from Ciara (and Madison for that matter), it’s obvious why she’s smitten with Hamptons newbie West. West is charming, respectful, and most importantly of all not kissing with her roommate while she’s in the same room. On the contrary, West is so obviously into Ciara it seems like their vacation romance could make it to the off-season.

Paige and Craig

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I know, it feels strange to see Craig’s name towards the top of any ranking that isn’t about the number of beers consumed in a single night, but here we are. Craig has (dare I put it in writing) grown up this year. He doesn’t take the bait for either of Kyle’s obvious attempts to stir shit up in his relationship and seems to be prioritizing the work the relationship has forced him to do on himself, regardless of their future. The couple seems genuinely happy (regardless of another seemingly manufactured storyline about maintaining Paige’s independence).

Lindsay and Carl

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Take a deep breath, because you’re gonna need it. While it may seem bonkers to rank these two anywhere but the bottom of the list, I have bulletproof reasoning as to why they escaped the number one spot: They called off their wedding. Carl and Lindsay’s problem has nothing to do with how they feel about each other. It has everything to do with the fact that chemistry cannot outweigh compatibility, and the way these two live their lives and communicate is at irreconcilable odds. Lindsay has a right to prefer rosé to Barry’s BootCamp, and Carl’s inclination for sober sports bars and early nights in should be celebrated instead of denigrated given his path to sobriety. While Lindsay’s hurtful claims questioning his sobriety are getting harder and harder to watch, she is simultaneously realizing with each episode why her motivation for lashing out (feeling judged herself) is not fair. In another life, these two could be so cute together, but in this one, they’ve managed to get out of their toxic cycle (and they even did it without Danielle Olivera as their relationship coach).

Amanda and Kyle

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Can we be honest for a second: Were we ever rooting for Amanda and Kyle to make it? From the constant cheating rumors all over the city to ignoring her for the bros at house parties, it was obvious that even though Kyle cares for Amanda, keeping his relationship kosher was not his priority. Now that they’re married, it seems to be the opposite. Kyle wants more of Amanda’s time and commitment to prove she’s worthy of being a mother, but Amanda is seemingly just waking up to the fact that her 42-year-old perpetual birthday boy is a pot stirrer extraordinaire with the same level of house training as her adorable puppies. Everything Kyle does seems to set Amanda off, and it’s not like I can blame her, but at the same time I can acknowledge being the recipient of said cold shoulder and eye-rolls would be exhausting. Is Amanda nagging Kyle all the time? Yes. Does Kyle do obnoxious shit 25/8 to make her nag? Yes! These two were fighting up to their wedding day to the point that Paige all but advised Amanda to call it off. Now that they’re married they can’t agree on kids, where to live, or even what an appropriate joke is. Carl and Lindsay’s volcanic confrontations may be the attention-grabbing issue du jour, but the way Amanda laughs about Kyle’s absence being the best part of her week and cries time and again about the way he speaks about her to his friends to get a rise out of her scares me more than any drunken text exchange.