We’re low-key masochists for obsessing over Tell Me Lies. Like, why did I think it was a good idea to damage my already questionable emotional state by developing parasocial relationships with these unhinged characters? Stephen gives me nightmares, Lucy gives me anxiety, and Lydia gives me severe trust issues. Although I’m more unwell after each new episode of season 2, I can’t help but be captivated by the alarming levels of toxicity… the most disturbing relationships make for the most addictive TV dramas. It’s just a fact of life we have to face in therapy.

Let’s be very clear about one thing: I’ve yet to witness a single remotely healthy relationship in either season of this show, so this ranking is already doomed. Praying this is a safe space. Here’s my official ranking of the relevant Tell Me Lies relationships from “Unfortunately, I’m obsessed” to “I’m terrified.”

The Tell Me Lies Relationships, Ranked From “Unfortunately, I’m Obsessed” To “I’m Terrified”

1. Bree and Oliver

Image Credit: Hulu

Yes, I’m AWARE that this relationship, according to school rules and basic morals, is highly inappropriate. That’s why I added “unfortunately” before the “I’m obsessed.” It’s an acknowledgement of my flaws. (At least she’s not a minor and he’s not her prof??) At the end of the day, I’m just a woman with weaknesses for hot British men, forbidden romances, and problematic power dynamics. Sue me.

2. Diana and Pippa

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The queer power couple we needed, TBH. Dippa is a new romance introduced in season 2, and while I love that these two hot, no-nonsense girlies caught feelings for each other, I’m still extremely wary of Diana, who’s failed Girl Code more times than she’s passed it so far. Also, her keeping this relationship a secret is obviously a red flag… but I’m waiting for more context.

3. Bree and Evan

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Listen. I know they’re exchanging vows in 2015 and whatnot, but considering Evan cheated on Bree with her best friend and Bree had to go to a professor to experience some real passion, I dare say something about this romance is off. Bree and Evan only get third place because the rest of the couples involve He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Stephen).

4. Diana and Stephen

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These two kind of match each other’s freak in the college years — and by that I mean they’re both cruel, narcissistic, women-haters who enjoy school plus the extracurricular of ruining Lucy’s life. However, you do get the sense that this is just a phase for Diana, who actually seems to have a soul unlike Stephen, so the dynamic isn’t quite right.

5. Lucy and Stephen

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Happy for the actors in real life, but this fictional pairing makes me violently ill. Please save me some panic attacks and get a goddamn restraining order, Lucy. Him coming onto her and then whispering, “That was really fucking embarrassing for you” in the last episode? Jail. I desperately need this man to face a consequence for at least ONE of his psychotic, evil actions.

6. Lydia and Stephen

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Congrats to Stephen and Lydia, who win the gold medal for Most Disturbing Couple in Tell Me Lies. Not an easy feat, I’d like to point out! I am on the edge of my seat this season, dying to know how the actual fuck someone ends up engaged to her childhood best friend’s emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend. Lydia might be even more diabolical than Stephen, and I wish her the very worst.