All Of My Unpopular ‘Summer House’ Opinion, Don’t Come For Me

It feels like we are in a season of round-the-clock Bravo breaking news. Cuban Barbie Alexia is getting divorced from her gringo Ken, Monica Garcia is pregnant by her secret boyfriend which only further proves she should return to RHOSLC and the Vanderpump Rules cast is generally being a menace on multiple platforms. Viewers are truly spoiled for choice at the moment, but that doesn’t mean you should sleep on the little guys. RHONY’s horny younger cousin Summer House has been holding its own for years now, and after eight seasons of late nights in Montauk I have quite a few strong opinions that I feel legally obligated to share. If you’re still depriving yourself of the Hamptons drama for some reason, don’t let that deter you from enjoying the home truths below. In fact, let them inspire you to get up and work commit to another reality television show that will change your life, no matter what the haters say. Here are a few spicy hot Summer House takes (including which OG star gotta go), to pair with your next Loverboy.

The Wirkus Twins Were Good TV

Those of us who have been watching from the beginning had the Wirkus Circus branded into our brains against our will. Lauren and Lindsay were two seven-foot-tall identical twin fashion bloggers (not quite Carrie Bradshaw, but it still counts) who yelled in an identically piercing tone after the smallest sip of alcohol. My favorite mantra in life is “not my clowns, not my circus” but with the amount of female partying antics dropping to a dangerous low in recent years, I now feel like they were my clowns and maybe I do miss my circus.

#Justice4Jules

Ah, sweet little Jules. I feel like she started off with this group on the foot on the pure basis of being from Ohio. Then fraternizing with Jordan certainly didn’t help. But Jules was hot! She had fun flirting with the guys, and honestly, I had fun watching her. Jules is still gorgeous, under 30, and has seemingly come into her own as a wellness kween so what’s to stop the producers from bringing her back for a revenge season we all deserve? Sounds like nothing.

Ciara Choosing Hannah over Luke Was Not a Girls’ Girl Move

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I’m getting a rash just thinking about this love triangle, but alas, someone has to say it. Luke is ripped, empathetic, artistically inclined, hot, outdoorsy, emotionally intelligent, handy and did I mention objectively sexy? Sure he wears his heart on his sleeve, and that can get a little cringe for us jaded East Coasters, but he still was kind enough to bring Ciara onto the show for a free vacation which has turned into a career she shares with her best friends. And how was he rewarded? Oh, that’s right, by being painted as some kind of supervillain for moving on from a fleeting fling in a shared house created for hookups. Ciara not only dropped Luke practically the moment she cleared the foyer, but then joined the witch hunt against her friend in support of Hannah Berner’s very loud tears. Luke was punished for the crime of being too giving, if you ask me (and probably if you ask Hannah according to the three hours of moaning we were subjected to).

The Danielle/Lindsay fight was 100% Danielle’s fault

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Make room, I’m climbing onto my soap box, and it’s gonna be a while. I’m not going to get into whether or not Lindsay Hubbard is a likable person, nor will I delve into the validity of her relationship with Carl because it’s simply not relevant. Danielle was Lindsay’s best friend for a very long time (during which Lindsay was the same person, love her or leave her, throughout those years). When your best friend is dating someone you don’t like, do you know what you should tell them? NOTHING. Unless the relationship is dangerously toxic (which wasn’t the claim on the table) everyone knows how unwise it is to get in between two grown adults’ relationship because, more than likely, your friend isn’t going to choose you. Were they moving too fast? Debatable. Plenty of people their age, especially ones with an existing relationship, would have done exactly the same and it would’ve all worked out. Regardless, it was never (read as: NEVER!!!) Danielle’s place to interfere in Lindsay’s choices, especially with the level of pillow screaming, hair tossing, and hot-headed outrage that she did. And after all that behavior, she was somehow shocked she wasn’t first on Carl’s speed dial when he planned the proposal. Let’s look at last summer’s scenario from the worst-case scenario: Lindsay was wasting time, money, and emotions on a man who would never last. Unless there was a secret throuple going on that we don’t know about, it was Lindsay’s time, money, and emotions that she was gambling with, no one else’s. Danielle could’ve focused on saying she needed more support from her friend in light of her own problematic relationship, but instead, she insisted on forcing some bigger picture that Lindsay was crazy for not complying with. I’ll end with this: if you’re ever at a party celebrating someone else and every sentence that comes out your mouth as you greet the other guests starts with an “I”, you should probably just leave.

Amanda is the puppet master

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Paige gets most of the “mean girl” heat for leading the girl gangs from the giggly squad to the bed bugs, but when you watch closely Amanda is far better at playing the game than we give her credit for. Sure, Kyle’s the king pot-stirrer (and we’ll get to him), but Amanda also partakes in a lot of strategic, nefarious gossiping (especially with Lindsay under the guise of friendship, but also with Carl, Danielle, and Luke) that she later wields against her castmates before they can even peep game. She also rarely gets called on it because it’s easy to hide in Kyle’s shadow. I’m not necessarily knocking her since it’s a reality show that runs on drama, but I’m just saying… will the real Regina George please stand up?

Kyle Cooke will ruin the show if they let him

Last but certainly not least, let’s address the elephant with a mullet in a room. Kyle Cooke is a 41-year-old man. While age alone isn’t a disqualifying factor, even Jax eventually got booted for his lack of growth in his decade as an emotional terrorist on Vanderpump Rules. The tyrannical chokehold Kyle and his brand have on the show sucks the air out of every scene which is why everyone’s so thrilled to see Jesse and West breathe new life into the franchise. I’m not suggesting filling the house with nerds, but if we’re going to watch man-children fall apart every week, can they at least be young and hot with some new catchphrases? Summer is not fun, summer is tiring, we thank you for your service and all, but the exit is to the left.