There are many reasons we love weddings — the open bar, the passed apps, the drunken dance floor makeouts reminiscent of college. But honestly, the best part is getting together with your OGs and dissecting every single aspect of the celebration. From which bridesmaid is the sloppiest to which part of the ceremony was the most cringe, no aspect of the celebration is safe, especially not the bride or her wedding dress.
Take, for example, the recent viral story of “The Bride and The Boobs” (not what it’s actually called, but what I hope is the title used for the Netflix doc). The TL;DR is that on June 29th, actress and lifestyle blogger Eva Amurri married chef Ian Hock, and all anyone can talk about is her dress. Or, more specifically, her rack in said dress.
On its own, the strapless Kim Kassas column gown Eva wore down the aisle is pretty standard for wedding dresses. You wouldn’t see it hanging in a boutique and think, “Is this designer deranged?” It’s not black or high-low or trying too hard with embellishments. Form-fitted with a corset top, lace detailing, and wraparound train, it honestly made sense for Eva’s French garden party wedding theme. What didn’t work for many faceless critics on the internet, however, was her cleavage.
Purchased at Bridal Reflections in New York City, Eva told People she loved how the gown felt “vintage” and “ultra-feminine” without being “overly pouffy.” And sure, it’s not everyone’s style (one commenter on Reddit said it “looks like a repurposed night dress you bought at Torrid”), but one thing a lotta folks seem to agree on is that her breasts are a little too on display for the big day. To give you an idea, here are a few casual comments littering her IG wedding post:
- “Yeah strapless dresses aren’t for everyone 😶”
- “Awful dress!!!! So unflattering! Put them away!”
- “That’s the weirdest display of tatas my eyes have ever seen.”
- “The dress looks like a bucket for boobies… shame.”
- “That has to be the ugliest wedding dress ever 😝👎”
- “That dress seems more appropriate for a 1:1 wedding night rather than for the wedding.”
- “Awful, inappropriate dress.”
So… Did Eva Fuck Up With Her Wedding Dress?
… And on and on they go. With so many opinionated commenters clutching their pearls, it might be reasonable to think Eva messed up her gown choice. Like, did she have anyone helping her pick it out? Was she drunk at her fittings? Did she get the gown tailored? All semi-valid Qs, but most importantly, does any of that matter?
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Imagine going viral not for your bridal beauty but for how offended everyone is about *your* tits in a dress. It makes that recent MOB dress incident look like child’s play.
Sure, the corset could have been a little tighter or the bust a little more snug, but honestly? Who the fuck cares? Eva is 39, a mom of three, and an obvious MILF. I’m 32 with one kid, and my boobs look like deflated balloons compared to hers. Not that you should compare yourself to others, but come on. You better believe if I was packing what she’s working with, I woulda shown full nip in my dress. It would have been a topless wedding. The dress code would have been nudity so everyone could see how fucking good I looked.
“I wanted to feel sexy but elegant, and I think the dress strikes the perfect balance,” Eva told People. Yes, Eva’s girls are out there. I’m not denying that. She’s not denying that. But, hi, that doesn’t mean her dress is wrong because IT’S WHAT SHE WANTED TO WEAR. And even if not — even if she secretly hates it, it’s WHAT SHE DECIDED TO PUT ON. On her WEDDING DAY. IDFC how famous someone is: You don’t talk shit about a bride — especially about a bride’s dress — to her face or on her socials. That’s just like, the rules of feminism and farrrrr tackier than flaunting your boobs on your big day.
Eva’s Response to the Haters
The good news, however, is that since Eva is an actress, lifestyle blogger, and public figure, she’s no stranger to assholes. Odds are you recognize her from season 3 of Californication, where she played Jackie, a student, stripper, and love interest of main character Hank Moody (David Duchovny). The show + her character + some of the strip show scenes were def a part of my bisexual awakening in early high school, but I digress!
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The point is that Eva is not one to hide her incredible rack or back down from haters, and she didn’t disappoint here. While I would have cried myself to sleep, scrubbed my socials, and gotten an annulment, our girl took the whole situation in stride.
On June 30 (the literal day after she said “I do”), Eva posted a wedding pic with her new hubs on her IG story. In the first slide, she wrote: “To anyone scandalized by my breasts not being ‘put away’ ….” Then, the second slide was the same picture zoomed in on just her chest, with the caption: “Feel free to screenshot this for later 😘”
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A few days later, Eva posted a meme featuring THAT iconic 1957 photo of Sophia Loren and Jayne Mansfield to prove just how judgy the internet was being of her “32F boobs minding their business.”
Then, to give a final fuck you to the haters, she posted a pic of her rehearsal dinner, noting that her viral assets were front and center at that event as well.
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While I’m all for judging wedding photos, it’s never a cute look do it TO THE BRIDE’S FACE. Honestly, anyone so scandalized about some cleavage should question why someone with fame, beauty, money, and confidence would give AF about what they think. If there’s one thing Eva’s taught us, it’s that on your wedding day, you should wear what makes you feel good — and tell anyone who has an issue with that to kindly suck a dick. Or, in this case, a tit.