Boomers like to complain that we need labels for everything nowadays, and they’re not wrong. I don’t mean in the way of me being a bisexual femme woman with BPD and a daily dose of Lexapro, although they probs don’t love that either. The youths of today (yes, I am counting myself in that, look at my forehead) are obsessed with labeling shit and applying internet trends to absolutely everything. We self-sabotaged our way through a Brat Summer with last night’s eyeliner, messy situationships, and low-waisted jeans. We briefly flirted with being very demure, very mindful, before deciding we’re better as friends. And now we are opening our arms to a Strega Nona Fall, and I, for one, could not be happier. An old lady who cures everything with pasta? Take my money!!!

Who is Strega Nona?

Image Credit: Simon & Schuster

The little old lady who has bewitched me mind, body, and soul, to put it lightly. Strega Nona is the title character of a 1975 children’s book by Tomie dePaola of the same name. She’s a little Italian witch who makes pasta all the time. So basically, it’s your grandma if she wasn’t terrified of carbs and more focused on insulting your outfits. Her name literally translates to “Grandmother Witch.”

Strega Nona is a benevolent witch who cures the town’s ailments with her magic pasta. She recruits the help of a young man named Big Anthony, who fucks up the spell (men, ugh) and causes the pasta to never stop coming. The town ends up overflowing with noodles — oh no….

Strega Nona is actually a retelling of a German folktale, “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice,” which I feel was also in Disney’s Fantasia. Did anyone watch that?

There are over a dozen follow-ups to the wildly successful book, including “Strega Nona Takes a Vacation” and “Strega Nona Does It Again” — oh, Strega, not again!! But the real way you know this book was successful is that it became the subject of book bans due to its portrayal of witchcraft lol!! For real, whenever a book is banned by conservatives, I immediately add it to my TBR list.

How To Have A Strega Nona Fall

A Strega Nona Fall is all about coziness and comfort. It’s making a bucketload of pasta and inviting your besties around to eat it. You’re not dressing to impress; wired bras are a thing of the past, and you are in your homely era and loving it. Your home becomes the center of your universe, so make it a fucking nice place to be.

A slay pasta pot

Obviously, you need a fucking good pasta pot to be Strega Nona. I’m not one to give into materialism (lol as if), but your crusty pot leftover from college will simply not cut it. She is making magic here, and that can’t happen in a pot that once housed your sorority sister’s blue-tinted barf. I don’t make the rules; I just follow them unless that rule is about pasta portion sizes. I want you to go and treat yourself to a gorgeous pasta pot. The kind of pot that makes your dinner guests coo over it. You place it on the table like a centerpiece rather than shoveling spaghetti onto plates in your cramped, damp kitchen. You’re not buying a pasta pot. You’re buying a HEIRLOOM.

The good pasta

Your cunty pasta pot (sorry, mom) deserves better than store-brand pasta. Like, I am a cheap girlie (literally, I’m Dutch), but when it comes to pasta, we gotta splurge a bit, especially if we wanna Strega Nona this shit. How are you gonna bewitch an entire village on cardboard tagliatelle? We’re all on a budget as Brat Summer’s tequila sodas hit our bank accounts hard, but all I ask is that you level it up just one step. Instead of the store-brand pasta, go for something with a vaguely Italian name. I swear on my firstborn son that you will taste a difference.

Bandanas

Part of Strega Nona’s iconic look is her bonnet. While this is likely an attempt to cover up her gray hair, as society has waged a war on greying hair and aging in general, we’re going to forget that and take it as a cute costume piece!!! While I’m not sure a full bonnet is the way to go, I think a lil bandana is definitely the perfect addition to your fall look. Not only is a bandana a quirky little asset to your outfit, but it is the perfect way to style unwashed hair!! Whenever my hair is greasier than those fries you buy at the end of a night out, I simply cover it with a bandana. Suddenly, I am ~trendy~.

Long skirts

As if we needed another excuse to replace our entire wardrobe with long skirts, well here’s one: Strega Nona is all for them. Though I assume you’ll go for something a lil less dowdy, a lil more sex appeal. I’m thinking of a long silk skirt in some autumnal color. Now you don’t have to worry about when you last shaved your legs — NOT THAT YOU SHOULD EVER WORRY ABOUT THIS, FEMINISM, ETC — or whether you’ve moisturized that dry desert of skin. Plus, they go with everything. Literally find me an outfit that’s not improved by a long skirt, I dare you.

Birkies

Okay, while it is slightly unlikely that Strega Nona is actually wearing Birkenstocks, she is wearing some type of sturdy sandal. Although Birkenstocks were first invented in 1963 and widely hated except by physicians, it’s not impossible. I resisted the lure of the Birkies for too long and have finally given in with a cute pair of suede clogs. Girlie, GIRLIE, GIRLIEEEEEE, I am obsessed. My feet have never been so comfortable. I love them so much. I am going full Strega Nona and living in Birkies until it becomes a risk of frostbite.

Candles

While Strega Nona seems to be a lil more focused on the flame beneath her cauldron pasta pot, I guarantee she’s a candle girlie. Like, can’t you just see lil granny going wild for a Jo Malone big boy? I bet she’s kicking her heels as she takes a whiff of that pumpkin-spiced candle. But Strega Nona is practical enough not to buy such overpriced candles (sorry Jo, I’m in the creative industry), so she’d buy a Target knockoff and be overjoyed by it. Fill your house with candles. Strega Nona Fall involves leaving your house as little as possible, so you need to make it as cozy as possible.

Gilmore Girls

Once the pasta is cooked, Strega Nona needs something to watch while she eats it!! Don’t be fooled into thinking she’d be one of those “no TV with dinner” girlies, as I guarantee she is subscribed to all the best streaming platforms. But nothing is more fall than whipping up a batch of Gigi Hadid’s vodka penne pasta and tuning in to Gilmore Girls. I can almost hear Strega Nona rolling her eyes and saying, “Oh Rory!!!”

Apron

I’ll be honest, I usually rawdog cooking and go sans-apron. But I also have a knack for always cooking a tomato-based sauce when I happen to be wearing white, and yeah, you can guess how that goes. Strega Nona would have none of that!!! You see her lil white apron? Very demure, very mindful, very laundry-conscientious. Now, you could go for a classic white apron with a very clean girl aesthetic, even though it’ll be a kaleidoscope of colors within a day. Or you could go for something fun and cheeky, kind of what Strega Nona would’ve worn if she was written in 2024, and a bit of a brat. I’m talking bows, thrills, fruit prints, funny texts, whatever you want!! It’s your kitchen (and your half a dozen housemates). You make the rules.

Thin woolen vest

Once again proving she is a FASHIONISTA, Strega Nona is rocking that olive green vest for us. Color clashing icon. I used to think vests didn’t make sense because your arms would be cold, but now I get it. Like yeah, protect the body heat around my great tits and forget the rest. Your go-to outfit this fall should include a vest to protect the vital organs. Screw the rest of you.

Crochet or another old lady hobby

Please know that I am calling this an old lady hobby with the utmost respect and love!! I love old lady hobbies so much. Fall is just the perfect time to cozy up inside with a simple hobby. Pick up something crochet, knitting, or embroidery; a task you can do in front of your favorite tv shows and with little thought attached. If you get good enough at crochet, you could even make yourself that vest!

Date younger

Why do I feel like this is gonna get me canceled over all the other trash I’ve spewed onto the internet? Oh well. So as mentioned, the plot of Strega Nona’s story involves her young male apprentice screwing everything up. Well…. I wonder if there’s a reason he got distracted… if there’s a reason he was around in the first place… Now, you don’t need an apprentice for whatever it is you do (marketing?), but maybe this should be your sign to date younger. While younger men don’t tend to make the best partners, they can be ideal for a situationship. And for some reason, they seem to be liking their women a couple of years older. Obviously don’t go too young!!!! Like consent, appropriateness, ability to perform cunnilingus, and all that. But Strega Nona approves of you dating a bit younger this fall.