JD Vance Would Be A Very Polite Autocrat

If you are the sort of well-adjusted person who had literally anything better to do with your Tuesday night besides watching the major party candidates for the vice presidency debate each other, don’t worry; you didn’t miss much. The big takeaway from the evening was that these two Midwestern white men were extremely cordial. Both men maintained an even keel, spoke calmly and politely, refused to directly attack each other (running mates were a very different story), and avoided the kind of outrageous soundbites we’ve gotten used to with Trump.

For his part, Governor Tim Walz (D – Minnesota) continued to talk about politics and policy like a regular person — including getting nervous, stumbling over prepared answers, malapropping at unfortunate moments, and expressing righteous anger over abortion rights, bodily autonomy, gun safety, and Donald Trump’s assault on democracy. JD Vance, however, was a different story.

Polished, smooth, calm, and compact, Senator Vance’s practiced responses gave all of the gravitas and seriousness you’d expect from someone asking to be a heartbeat away from unfettered control of the largest nuclear arsenal in the world. The first time listening to Vance would give the impression that he’s thoughtful, composed, and not a whacko extremist jonesing to chain women to (gas-only) stoves. But a closer examination of his answers reveals the fiery rhetoric of an autocrat carefully modulated to sound like median policy.

Repeatedly, Vance continued his fear-mongering campaign against immigration, suggesting that 2.5 million authorized immigrants have overwhelmed our resources, undercut wages, and driven housing inflation for almost 340 million birthright and naturalized Americans. (That’s 0.7% of the population, for anyone counting.)

He spoke about the gruesome reality of abortion bans and the loss of bodily autonomy as a matter of “trust” that forced-birth Republicans need to rebuild, and said of Amber Thurman and other fatal cases that “a lot of people should be alive.” He kept a measured tone as he described turning schools into hardened targets reinforced with prison-like structures instead of dealing directly with our unhinged and unregulated gun culture. Even on the straightforward question about January 6th and the undeniable fact of Donald Trump’s loss in the 2020 election, Vance kept a steady and smiling facade as he ducked, dodged, and pivoted to say anything but the truth about his running mate’s ongoing assault on democracy.

The mask never slipped but the truth came out anyway: JD Vance will be a very polite autocrat.

When the police go door-to-door demanding to see proof of citizenship or they’ll haul you off for processing, JD Vance will urge you to comply with a calm and knowing smile. When you or a loved one goes septic from neglected abortion care like Amber Thurman, Vance will paper over your suffering in a patiently disinterested tone.

When he does Donald Trump’s bidding to unconstitutionally reject our votes and voices, Vance will do what Mike Pence would not, and calmly state that it’s for our own good. Trump may bring all the noise and bombast to the end of American democracy, but JD Vance is the one who will carry out the death blows with cold and silent efficiency in the guise of a genial Midwestern dad.

So while Vance never sounded like the utterly deranged misogynistic podcast bro that we’ve come to know and hate over the last few weeks, his performance at this (likely) last debate of the election season won’t make much of a difference. You didn’t need to watch it to figure out where your vote needs to go. Because when it comes down to who is really nice, we can tell which Midwestern white guy we can trust based on who they stand beside.