In the days of yore, it was a long-held tradition for the chronically online bisexual to affirm one’s identity through the Am I Gay? BuzzFeed quiz. Often, the results would be grim: Gay enough to yearn for Kristen Stewart but too straight to give up Robert Pattinson. Then, after some further frantic Googling, a diagnosis was made. What you were experiencing was, in fact, bi-panic. To clear up confusion for future baby queers, I’ve designed this very official Am I Bisexual? Quiz in the hope of saving you from heartache when your “super close childhood friend” leaves you for a stupid boy. (Chappell Roan-coded) Good luck, babe!

Am I Bisexual? Quiz

1.) Who is your favorite female celebrity over 50?

1. Cate Blanchett
2. Penélope Cruz
3. Jennifer Coolidge
4. Viola Davis

2.) What was your favorite childhood movie?

1. Pirates Of The Caribbean
2. High School Musical 2
3. Shrek
4. Big Fat Liar, starring a very blue Paul Giamatti

3.) The best way to wear pants is cuffed.

1. True
2. Pants are for conformists
3. False

4.) A couple across the bar sends you a drink; who is your dream duo?

1. Tom Holland and Zendaya
2. Penélope Cruz and Javier Bardem
3. Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes
4. Hailey Baldwin And Justin Bieber

5.) How did you spend your one precious childhood?

1. Scrolling Tumblr for soft porn
2. Practicing “how to kiss” at sleepovers
3. Being depressed
4. Running from one extracurricular activity to the next

6.) What is the best way to enjoy coffee?

1. Iced coffee with oat milk
2. That’s That Me Espresso Martini
3. Hot black coffee because I’m the lead in a crime drama
4. I’m more of a tea drinker

7.) What do you have pierced or tattooed?

1. Septum piercing
2. Flash tattoos of a mushroom, cat, or a rainbow
3. Gauges that your earlobe has never recovered from
4. Single piercing in each ear

8.) How do you spend your free time now?

1. Yearning
2. Fighting existential crisis
3. Picking a new hobby to make your entire identity
4. Yapping

9.) Pick a hobby that you’ll drop in three months:

1. Fostering kittens
2. Ceramics, but you stop after realizing “Intro To Pottery” classes cost more than rent
3. Duolingo
4. Marathon training (weird kink, but okay)

10.) How do you sit in a chair?

1. Normally
2. Abnormally

11.) What’s the most unhinged thing you would do for a crush?

1. Knit them a sweater after they mentioned once that they were cold in class
2. Write them a song and perform it at the Tristate Talent Show
3. Learn their native language and casually drop slang phrases at random
4. Post thirst traps on “close friends” when it’s really just your crush

13.) How many rings do you have on your fingers?

1. More than four
2. Just a giant thumb ring with a skull on it
3. Less than five

14.) Do you know who Chappell Roan is without Googling?

1. Yes
2. No
3. No, but my Spotify Wrapped is mostly white noise albums

15.) Have you Googled, “Am I bisexual?”

1. Obviously
2. No, my friend sent this quiz to me after I retweeted all of Reneé Rapp’s fancams

“Am I Bisexual?” Quiz Results

Take the number correlated with your answer and add them up. For example, if you selected Pirates of The Caribbean, that’s 1 point.

15-30 points

My god. You are very, very bisexual. You’ve probably never sat in a chair normally your entire life! Here, take this bi-panic kit and don’t look back. Also, you’ll probably wanna invest in a septum piercing to make things official.

31-45 points

You’re probably just gay. Jennifer Coolidge is terrified of you, though, which is something! And you get to join the leagues of lesbian queen Reneé Rapp. Now, get out there and buy yourself a thumb ring and plenty of carabiners.

46 points or more

I mean, technically, if you even clicked this quiz, you’re probably at least a little curious about exploring your sexuality. But according to this point system, you are canonically hetero. It’s nothing to be ashamed of! There are a lot of straight people who live their lives happily. Best of luck!