Get Your Complete Bi-Panic Kit Today To Be a Real-Life Bisexual

Welcome to bisexuality! Where you’re constantly doubting your sexuality and having everyone else doubt it, too. But don’t fret, you do like more than one gender! Benefits include a wider dating pool (that you’ll still never access), peer pressure to get literally any tattoos, the chance to shock elderly relatives at events, and the ability to uncomfortably respond “yes and no” when asked if you’re gay. To complete your orientation, please enjoy our complete bi-starter pack, which has everything you need to adjust to the wild world of dating “everybody” while still spending Friday nights on your couch with a bloodthirsty true crime documentary.

Pirates of the Caribbean

The filmmakers knew EXACTLY what they were doing with these films. That casting is not accidental. The bi panic I had watching this film as a child is unparalleled. Orlando Bloom AND Keira Knightley??? They owe my parents a new showerhead. The way that Pride & Prejudice is a comfort film for depressed girls, Pirates of the Caribbean is that for bisexual girls. Yes, please, I’ll take ALL OF THEM. Pirate everything. A rite of passage for every bi girl is to dress up as a [slutty] pirate for Halloween. I urge you to follow in the footsteps of your foremothers.

Panic At The Disco

I have never felt as confused as when the song “Me!” was released a few years ago. I love Brendon Urie, and obviously, I love Taylor Swift, so why did I fucking hate this song with every fiber of my being? Panic at the Disco has a sacred place in every bi girl’s heart, as it is somehow so straight and yet so queer — bonus points for having the vinyl versions with no record player.

Tumblr Core

Bisexuals were birthed in the embers of Tumblr. You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me, with its thinspiration, grainy filters, collection of band t-shirts, and worship of the religion of Brandy Melville. We carry a snippet of Tumblr core with us even now, in our love of Lana del Rey, a fear of ballet flats, and the insistence that skater skirts will come back in style. As a wise philosopher once said, Tumblr is bi, and bi is Tumblr.

A hairdresser on speed dial

Seasons may come and go, and a bisexual’s haircut has changed thrice within that time. We’re currently in the era of wolf cuts, but who knows how long that will last? Every bisexual changes her hair as often as she changes her celebrity crush. Every color, every style, and every type of bangs will be explored and then returned to because what if it looks better now? Get a good hairdresser and keep her on speed dial to fix whatever mistakes you’ve made — e.g., cutting your own bangs at 2 am because the girl you thought was flirting with you just introduced you to her boyfriend. The key is finding one who says, “You’re not Sydney Sweeney. It won’t suit you.”

Doc Martens

Bi girls wear Doc Martens just so they can stomp all over your heart in them. I’m kidding!!! But Kayla, if you’re reading this, I still think about you!! The bigger the boot, the bigger the bisexual energy she radiates. They may go in and out of style for others, but for the bi community, they’re as eternal as our crush on Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider. Bonus points if you get their sandals for the summer as well. And OBVIOUSLY, we go for vegan leather, as every bi girl is vegetarian, vegan, or pescetarian (unless chicken nuggets are involved).

A sticker sleeve

In all honesty, I got a bunch of tattoos just to prove I was queer. I’m just kidding. It was also because I don’t consider consequences and can’t imagine living long enough to regret them HAHA. My sticker sleeve currently contains ten tattoos, and I whip them out any chance I get. While tattoos don’t have to be bi, sticker sleeves are. We’re sluts for sticker sleeves and can’t wait to get all sorts of stupid shit tattooed on our bodies. Bi tattoos can include fairies, cherubs, Taylor Swift lyrics, book shit, and animals in cowboy hats. I have four out of five, but I won’t tell you which.

Too many hobbies

Aside from being messy bitches in our personal life (raise your hand if you’ve ever destroyed a friendship group by hooking up with multiple members), we are messy bitches in our personal space. And the cause for this is very simple: we have too many hobbies. I don’t know what it is about bisexuals and hobbies, but we always need to keep our hands busy (she smirked). Crotchet, pottery, baking, embroidery, friendship bracelets, we can and will do it all. But as quickly as we fixate on a new hobby, we abandon it to rot away in the corner of our bedroom.

Aliens (IYKYK)

Why do bisexuals love aliens so much? IDK, maybe we’re the result of an alien abduction and subsequent testing. Perhaps we’re the higher life form since we like all genders, so we can just relate to them. Either way, we have a weird thing for aliens, so you can bet you’ll see them on our phone cases and as a sticker on our laptops.

Token Queer Item

The true bisexual struggle is people not knowing you’re bisexual. I was raised to alter myself for the male gaze, and suddenly, I need a way to clarify to women that I’d like to go down on them, too. I’ve tried it all (pink hair, tattoos, rings, etc.) but to no avail. I still look so fucking straight. This is where your Token Queer Item© comes into play! That one thing you bought to prove to people you are queer, and you’ll wear it to any pride event or gay bar. It’s a rainbow bracelet (or a pink, blue, and purple bracelet) for shy girlies. Or it’s a t-shirt with some funny slogan clarifying you are queer. For me, it’s a bag I made saying “bi the way.” The Token Queer Item© is a necessary addition to every bi-starter pack.

Mushroom prints

The hold that Cottage Core has over bisexuals is stronger than any force in Star Wars — which every bisexual’s boyfriend will have a foolish level of knowledge about. We just want to run away to the forest and fuck knights and wenches from the nearby inn. Maybe it’s our haven away from society. Since we work in marketing and must live within ten minutes of a Starbucks, we’ll settle for bringing Cottage Core to our home with mushroom prints. Little cute mushrooms everywhere. If it could have a mushroom on it, it will.

Septum piercing

I feel for all the people who got septum piercings before they became the official bisexual merch. It’s kind of like people who got a mustache tattoo, thinking it would be hilarious forever. But there are worse things than being mistaken for bi!! You might learn something in the process. I’d personally love to be correctly identified as bisexual!! Get the septum piercing, hate the healing process, and forever fiddle with it, looking like you’re picking your nose. There is no choice in the matter.

Short nails, but yassify them

Even if your fingers won’t be heading downtown soon, you must always be prepared. Nothing ruins the mood quicker than asking if someone has nail clippers or risking the need for stitches down there. But while we’ll settle for short nails, we will never settle for looking less than our best. With your foray into bisexuality comes the awareness of hands in a way you never have before. So we’re going short nails but yassified. Bonus points if you went for bisexual flag colors to unintentionally signal your sexuality — and bestie, it is not subtle.

Winged eyeliner

My friend likes to tell me the key to winged eyeliner is accepting that they’ll be “sisters, not twins.” But to me, winged eyeliner is just about being super queer. While straight girls also play around with their makeup, it’s not the same as dabbling into colored eyeliners. The bigger the wing, the bigger her existential dread about whether she’s really bi or just a slut. There is nothing like some bisexual impostor syndrome while you venture into blindness with your furious eye stabbing.

Fanfics you’d rather forget existed

Name a bisexual woman who didn’t get her start in fanfiction. Whether you were writing or reading it, you have a history with fanfiction. It is where the queers thrived, even before they knew they were queer. While the straight girls read One Direction fanfic, we were deep into Vampire Diaries fanfic and debating a blood kink.

Thumb rings

What else do you do with that thumb except fidget over your tarnished silver ring? It might turn your finger green, but until then, it will act like a calling beacon to all the queer women in the area. They will scent you like a wolf to a… sheep? IDK, but it is hot.

Reneé Rapp merch

BEFORE YOU COME FOR ME: Reneé Rapp has come out as a lesbian, and I love that for her so much!! That doesn’t change the fact that bisexual women have an ungodly obsession with this blonde diva. We eat her up like cat nip. I myself have seen her live twice and have a crop top that says, “Good tits, big heart” (best believe it). Every bisexual starter pack comes with an unhealthy obsession with Reneé Rapp. While exploring her sexuality, she gave us the queer songs we sorely desired, and I wish my life story were interesting enough to warrant “Pretty Girls” as the soundtrack.

Ergonomic chairs

Bisexuals cannot sit straight. You might even say our posture is the least straight thing about us (Netflix, get me a comedy special, pronto). We will undoubtedly end up with the worst fucking back pain ever. Dating apps offer the option to filter by men and women (ALLY), but what I really need is a filter for masseuses. I write this slumped in my chair like the bisexual hobbit that I am.

Decision dice

“Bisexuals just can’t decide who they’re attracted to.” HAHA, I HAVE NEVER HEARD THAT ONE BEFORE!!! While I can decide who I want to date (golden retriever men and black cat women, thanks), I can’t choose anything else in my life. The Achilles Heel of every bisexual is an inability to make decisions. That’s why every bi-panic kit needs a decision dice with yes and no all over it to make choices for us. Do I want Indian food for dinner? Do I want to rewatch The Mummy for the millionth time? Do I want to go to a gay bar tonight? Yes, yes, and YES.

Fucking great cups

With our inability to make any decision comes the greediness of bisexuals. We want it all; yes, we do! I will have my cake and eat it too. Another common bisexual stereotype is having multiple drinks at all times. I wrongly assumed everyone had coffee, water, and a yummy third drink next to them at all times, but it turns out that straight people tend to drink one at a time… Huh, another weird thing about them. So, if you’re going to be bi, go buy a bunch of nice mugs and glasses for it all. If you get a mug proudly announcing your sexuality, as you can’t shut up about it, more power to you.

“Rawr” dinosaurs

“Rawr means I love you in dinosaur” and all that little green cuteness. Every bi-panic kit comes with a cute little dinosaur and saying those words to a bestie in a platonic/totally non-platonic way. Maybe we need the cute dinosaur to calm us down whenever we start spiraling — am I actually bi?! What if I’m actually just into guys? Or just into women? What if I don’t like sex at all, just masturbating? What if I don’t know??? Bisexual girlies bring their impostor syndrome home from work!

Clear phone cases

I’m not really sure why this is a thing, but people aren’t wrong about this one. Bi people can’t get enough of clear phone cases. Those ones that get grubby after like a day, so you cover it in stickers and regret it the minute they start peeling. Oh, and there’s a receipt tucked in the back, ruining the clear effect — you get the ones, I mean. Maybe we’re just transparent with all of our emotions, so our phone cases have to match. No one will admit their love as quickly as a bi person; I’ll give you that. Tell me you like my tattoos, and I’ll write a Shakespearean sonnet about all the ways you’re a perfect specimen.

Road trip playlists

Life as a bisexual means you have been relegated to the role of passenger princess. We were given so much when Professor Utonium made us, including a desire for multiple genders, but we were sadly not given the ability to drive. Driving makes me so anxious. I can’t do it without crying and listening to folklore. If you think you’re the exception, please think again and protect our roads by relinquishing the wheel. But don’t fret! This gives you tyrannical control over the aux cable and the chance to yap for hours straight. Or you could take my route of performing the entire Era’s Tour during road trips. Weirdly enough, my friends haven’t wanted to plan one in a while…