Great, Now There’s Candy To Remind Me Of My Shitty Situationship on Valentine’s Day

Have you ever opened a box of Sweethearts and found that every heart was blurry af? Well, now it’s on purpose!!! That’s right. Sweethearts Candies is selling “situationship boxes” for Valentine’s Day with the tagline: “Messages as blurry as your relationship.”

Some underpaid marketing associate realized they could just sell the shitty defective hearts and market them to those of us stuck in equally shitty situationships. Genius! If you think capitalism has gone too far, think again. What better way to mark your singleness than with a box of dusty-ass candy that pokes fun at everything you hold dear in life? Because we all know Valentine’s Day isn’t about love. It’s about how much shit someone buys you.

The official press release says buyers can expect “sweet, muddled nothings and literal mixed messages,” but I don’t trust these candy people to understand true fuck boi behavior. It’s a psychological war zone that can’t be taught but earned through late-night texts and haunting mistakes. Thankfully, I’m an expert. Below are some options I’m more than happy to share for free:

• Come thru
• I’m not ready
• U Up?
• Friend Zone
• “D is fire”
• Send nudes
• Read 1:30 A.M.
• 🔥
• I’ll let you know
• Wrud
• I could be down
• Sry just saw this
• Hey…
• Lmao
• Ur funny
• Wyd tn?
• Hiii
• Pics?
• 😏
• Wya
• No worries if not
• Ur friend is hot
• 😜
• Where’s my hug?
• Nm, wbu
• R U out
• * hearts message*

If you want to cross-reference my research with the actual product or simply can’t think of a better gift to get your situationship, the limited-edition Situationship Boxes will be available to purchase on Jan. 8 at 9 a.m. ET. I’m dead serious.