Some People Actually *Don’t* Want To Orgasm — Here’s Everything To Know About Orgasm Denial

When you’re having sex, typically, the goal is to orgasm. But what if I told you that you can unlock so much more delicious pleasure just by taking that off the table? And no, I’m not cosplaying as a straight man.

Getting to orgasm is great — trust me, I, too, enjoy getting off and usually make sure that happens when I’m both masturbating or having partnered sex. But sometimes, when you make the whole point of sex to climax, you miss out on really being in the moment and enjoying all of the sensations your body is exploring. In fact, to really heighten those feelings, some people experiment with orgasm denial.

I know, I know: You didn’t come this far in your sexual journey just to not cum. But hear me out: sometimes, even the slight delay of an orgasm makes the eventual release so much better. And if you’re someone who enjoys sexual teasing and build-up, orgasm denial might just become your new favorite thing.

Image Credit: Universal Pictures

What Is Orgasm Denial?

First, I’ll tell you what it’s not: It is not the fact that your boyfriend can’t make you cum because the clit still “confuses” him.

“Orgasm denial is the intentional act of preventing yourself or a partner from having an orgasm,” certified sexologist and sex & relationship coach Lexi Inks tells Betches. “It can happen in any number of sexual situations and may or may not happen at the end of a hookup or sexual encounter.”

You may be thinking, “Oh! So, like edging?” Well, close. Inks explains that while edging (intentionally prolonging the journey to climax) is definitely similar to orgasm denial because they’re both forms of orgasm control, they’re actually not the same thing.

Edging means you’ll stop right as you’re about to orgasm over and over again until you finally do orgasm. With orgasm denial, you’re probably not going to climax during that “session” at all.

So why TF would someone want to not cum? Well, there are a few reasons. Inks explains that it’s usually because people are into some sort of power play.

“Whether it’s a dominant teasing or punishing their submissive by denying them an orgasm, a cuckold watching their partner having sex with someone else but being instructed not to masturbate, or someone who identifies as a brat choosing to disobey their dom using it, orgasm denial goes hand-in-hand with many sexual power dynamics,” she says.

If you and your partner usually get off every time (congrats, BTW) and want to switch things up, orgasm denial can be a fun and exciting way to do that.

How Do I Try Orgasm Denial Solo?

The great thing is you don’t have to wait for a partner to explore orgasm denial. Let’s face it: when you’re solo, you usually only masturbate to orgasm. But I want you to move past that thinking. Focusing on just climaxing can mean that your solo sessions go by super quick (I’ve gotten myself there in under two minutes before). So incorporating orgasm denial can really help you slow things down and put the focus back on feeling pleasure.

You can experiment with this by using any sort of vibrating toy (think wands, thrusters, or bullets) and playing with the different speeds, intensities, and vibration patterns. Inks says to start off slow and then build intensity — and just when you’re about to climax, turn the toy off entirely and just let the build-up subside.

“This can be an exciting and highly effective way to try orgasm denial on your own, especially so you can test the waters and see if it’s something that is actually enjoyable for you before you bring it into the bedroom with someone else,” she says.

How Do I Try Orgasm Denial With A Partner?

As always, before you do anything with a partner, you need consent, consent, and then a little more consent. If you’ve ever seen 50 Shades of Grey, you might remember that scene where Christian is punishing Anastasia with orgasm denial even though he didn’t get her consent. That, my friends, is — say it with me — “abuse”!

Orgasm denial can feel very intense, so you want to make sure both parties are absolutely on board before diving in. Once that’s been established and you’re both ready, Inks advises to take it slow.

“Try it out with mutual masturbation; you and your partner can either stimulate each other or masturbate laying side by side and take turns practicing orgasm denial,” she says. “If one of you gets close to finishing, remove whatever you’re masturbating with altogether to prevent the orgasm.”

Then, rinse and repeat. If you want to bring sex toys or some sort of sensory objects (like blindfolds or feathers), that can increase sensations as well. Using a blindfold ups the ante because you or your partner won’t get to anticipate when the other stops.

“Orgasm denial can also be explored during any manner of penetrative sex as well, as long as there is communication about when either partner is close to climaxing so that you can stop penetration beforehand,” Inks says. “This might take some practice.”

Orgasm denial also comes up in a lot of power dynamic relationships, so it can be used to explore more of a dom/sub relationship.

“A dom can use orgasm denial as a ‘punishment’ for their submissive (provided that clearly stated and enthusiastic consent has been expressed), or a brat can use it to play up their disobedience toward their dom and either refuse to finish for their dom or refuse to let their dom finish,” Inks says.

And hey, if you find that orgasm denial just isn’t your cup of tea, let your partner know, and you can just cross the finish line together.