Should You Tell A Friend They’re Being Cheated On? What Reality TV Teaches Us About Being The Messenger

If you’ve been submerged into the world of reality TV this past week, then you know that the theme of “cheating” has been pretty apparent. Getting cheated on fucking sucks and there’s no way around it. But sometimes there are situations that make cheating just a little bit worse — and that’s typically when you have to find out through some other party.

We’ve all heard of people “coming to you as a woman,” which basically means that because of the unspoken rules of girl code there’s an obligation to let a woman know that she’s being cheated on (even if they’re not involved in the situation at all). Now, some people have some very strong feelings when this happens. And as we’ve seen in some of our favorite reality TV shows lately, these strong feels end up resulting in a lot of drama.

If you’ve been keeping up with Selling Sunset, you’d know that one of the main themes of season 8 is that Bre’s friend Amanda (a real-estate agent who isn’t a regular on the show) has a friend that has allegedly seen Chelsea’s husband kissing a woman at a hotel. Now because Bre and Chelsea have a really tumultuous relationship (Chelsea has voiced her disapproval for Nick Cannon creating multiple “broken homes” as he impregnates different women, including Bre), Bre seems to struggle with whether she should tell Chelsea or not. Eventually, she decides to do it on camera.

While at first Chelsea is appreciative of her and they share a moment, she later becomes suspicious as to why Bre decided to have the conversation on the show rather than in private. The argument becomes so big that it ends up affecting Bre’s friendship with both Chrishell and Emma.

Now over in The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives universe, Taylor knew that Dakota had hooked up with a woman named Jenna before they were ~officially~ together. So when a shady anonymous message came through claiming someone had slept with Dakota (while they were actually together), the girlies started wondering if Jenna was confessing to more than just their pre-official fling.

Mayci, gets the message and is stuck in a dilemma — she’s not sure if she should drop this bombshell on Taylor before or after she gives birth, considering how stressed she already is due to Taylor and Dakota fighting all the time. She finally decides that she should tell Taylor before going into labor, who then asks Mayci to reach out to Jenna to confirm if she sent the message and if she did, whether anything else went down between her and Dakota while he was dating Taylor. The first season ends on a cliffhanger when Mayci calls her and Jenna says she’ll tell her everything she wants to know.

Real life isn’t like TV (yes, even “reality” shows) but sometimes the drama can be just as crazy. So when there are no cameras or makeup teams, and it’s just you and someone you know, how do you know if you’re supposed to break the news that someone is getting cheated on?

“Deciding whether to tell someone they’re being cheated on requires careful consideration,” author and licensed family and marriage therapist Suzette Bray tells Betches. “Are you acting out of genuine concern, or could your reasons be more about stirring conflict?” She also explains that you want to make sure you have solid proof before saying anything — rumors can be unnecessarily messy.

It’s a complicated situation, but my go-to motto when it comes to stuff like this is, “If the shoe were on the other foot, would you want be told?” And more often than not, the answer is yes. Cheating is an awful betrayal, but what makes it worse is when other people know what’s going on and you’re left in the dark. But telling someone they’re getting cheated on can feel like a dangerous balancing act. You want to be as understanding as possible and also bear in mind that they might have a big reaction (shoot the messenger and all that).

“Be ready for a range of emotional responses, and think through the potential consequences, including the impact on their relationship and your own,” Bray says.

But before even broaching the subject make sure you have the best intentions in telling this person. While Bre’s intentions may have been a little shaky, you could tell that Mayci wanted to be honest with her friend. And at the end of the day, it’s the intention that counts. After that it’s up to the other person to decide how they’re going to deal with the information. My advice? Just don’t do it on camera.