Ever noticed when someone has to say “I’m joking” after they finish speaking that whatever they just said wasn’t funny, like, at all? So, why is it that after almost every one of Dave Bettenburg’s hilarious comedic plays in the Love Is Blind pods — when speaking to women he presumably is considering marrying no less — he had to clarify he was only kidding? The sad reality is a lot of men of big age are into negging (using backhanded compliments under the guise of being playful) to haze a potential romantic partner. (It is worth mentioning that plenty of women can default to this toxic MO, too.) So what exactly is negging, and how can you spot it in your own dating life? The way Dave is moving in Love Is Blind has left me with two eyes open.

Is Dave negging Lauren on Love Is Blind?

What is negging?

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Negging is an intentional form of subtle emotional manipulation in which a partner, boss, friend, or family member hides insults in the context of bad “jokes,” backhanded compliments, and supposed constructive criticism that is actually designed to lessen your confidence to make your more dependent or deferent to that person. Healthline notes that when negging pros (which are often men speaking to women) get called out on their words, so-called “joking is the ultimate excuse when you try to push back,” using the perfect excuse that “it can’t be their fault that you can’t laugh at yourself, right?”

Why do people neg their partners?

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Pick-up expert Neil Strauss proclaimed that “to momentarily lower a woman’s self-esteem and to suggest an intriguing disinterest” is simply a way to keep things spicy while flirting. And while cheeky banter can be a carefully wielded tool in any smooth operator’s book, there’s fine a line between snarky rizz and intending to poke at someone’s weak spots. Insulting someone in disguise can “knock down their self-esteem over time,” according to Healthline. This manipulation can even be considered “emotional abuse,” which can escalate into other kinds of abuse in a relationship when done maliciously and excessively.

Dave’s Worse Moments On Love Is Blind S8

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Dave shows several moments of odd humor that can certainly be interpreted as negging in season 8 of Love Is Blind. His opening line to his blind dates was, “So, what’s wrong with you?” A bit of a laugh to break the ice, right? Maybe… but the joke didn’t settle too well after Dave told Madison that he’s been “an ass to women in [his] previous dating life,” so he came on this show to “confront himself about that.” Seems like the ass hat hasn’t been left in the closet.

Dave also admitted that working in plastic surgery has screwed up his female beauty standards, which you would think equals awareness, but then opens his chat with his later-fiancée Lauren by telling her she was “no longer attractive” because she is 30 years old. When Lauren half-jokingly threatens to walk out on the date, Dave cautions “he’s joking.” And his next bit? That he’s on OnlyFans.

It seems the only purpose of accosting a female stranger with this false intimate information is to shock a “funny” reaction out of her, assuming dating an OF or sex worker would be so horrendously appalling. Or maybe he wanted to test the women off rip to see how much they would withstand to be with him? Either way, if you think Dave thought this line of banter was harmless, think again. He eventually says, “I’ll be a little nicer to you,” when deciding to engage Lauren in real conversation.

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But Dave actually doesn’t stay too “nice” with Lauren. When he compliments her “cute” voice toward the end of episode 1, he conflates it with being so innocent that she isn’t capable of “partying” or getting a tattoo. In episode 3, he calls Lauren old again after mentioning her age (30!!!), which she visibly does not find funny, probably given it was in the midst of an earnest conversation about having kids.

Dave and Lauren do get engaged (Molly drama notwithstanding), and his charming sense of humor obviously doesn’t change on their ~engagement honeymoon.~ Hanging out on the boat, Lauren checks in with her man to make sure he hasn’t discovered any dealbreakers since linking IRL. Dave affirms to Lauren that “there’s nothing [he’s] like ‘I hate this so much'” (an extremely subtle backhanded compliment in and of itself) but then double-ribs that “maybe this new hair” is the exception. (Context: Lauren is wearing her hair in two French braids.)

When Lauren replies, “Alright,” in exasperation, what does Dave say? “I’m kidding!” of course. But what’s funny about knocking your fiancé’s appearance, which she clearly took pride in putting together, especially when it’s something as basic as braids? This comment achieved nothing except to make Lauren question if she looked silly on camera.

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If you look at Dave’s behavior with rose-colored glasses, you might be able to believe he really is just joshing. Why does it matter when he obviously likes her? Well, because people who think it’s funny to put you down as a punchline often are willing to put you down in earnest, too. Dave and Lauren’s entire conflict post-honeymoon surrounds Lauren casually hooking up with a random dude Dave barely knows before the experiment, and his harsh POV is not unrelated to his persistent snap judgments of her. Dave’s teeny tiny jabs at her worth were warning signs that his valuing of her as a person was conditional, hence basically wanting to cut it off because she had a sex life before she met him.

I’m not saying we need to send Dave to jail or whatever, but ladies and gents, beware of the ones who are only “kidding” about everything you do wrong and everything you are not. Their critical tongue might come back to bite.