I Know Which ‘Family Stone’ Member Is The Most Likely To Get Coal In Their Stocking
In this house, The Family Stone is a holiday movie that needs zero introduction. If, for some reason, you haven’t treated yourself to the elite family dysfunction about the five Stone siblings and their parents, I can’t imagine what you’ve been waiting for, but consider this your formal introduction. Some Christmas movies are made to make you laugh, and some are designed to make you cry. Others are painstakingly written to be so romantic that even the most single Scrooge is willing to settle down. Impressively enough, The Family Stone manages to do all three of those things at once in a wild Christmas weekend at home that changes their lives forever. Who holds the title of the best Stone child and who is the most problematic of the bunch is constantly up for debate — until now, that is. Here’s the definitive ranking of The Family Stone characters from least to most likely to find coal in their stocking.
The Worst Family Stone Characters: A Ranking
10. Elizabeth
I’m pretty sure the only moment Elizabeth takes to herself in the entire movie is to watch Judy Garland’s sad Christmas movie. The rest of the time she is helping everyone else, including her child, without complaining. Mother of the year, IMO, who looks just as heavenly as her attitude. She deserves all the gifts.
9 & 8. Thad & Patrick
Advert
While Thad and Patrick def enjoy getting into a little bit of goss, they handle Meredith’s asinine word vomit at dinner with the grace of two literal angels. They’re the couple you know you want to stay with over the holidays because your guest stocking is going to be full AF.
7. Kelly
Kelly is a little rough around the edges, but he also has the emotional intelligence of a man many generations younger. He’s not afraid to huge and kiss his children to show them love, and not in a weird Tom Brady way either. He’s a devoted husband, an emotionally available father, and definitely forever on the nice list.
6. Amy
Advert
You might be surprised to see Amy so low on the coal recipient list, but that’s probably because you weren’t watching closely enough. Amy is a middle child who clearly experienced getting everything stolen from her for her entire life, from a bed to a coffee to her mom’s attention over her showboat brothers. So what she was a little bitchy to Meredith? A SIL’s approval is earned not given. Since, ahem, she was right about her brother’s misguided relationship, she only earns a smidge of coal.
5. Ben
Was it a little (a lot) naughty that Ben got Meredith so drunk she thought there was even a chance they slept together? Yes. But (spoiler alert) he didn’t so it kind of doesn’t matter. He’s a total button pusher but at the same time easily the best hang of this unhinged bunch, so he deserves a little bit of a pass. P sure he’d turn coal into lemonade and use it to light the fire for his next gardening session.
4. Meredith
Advert
Just like I can’t blame Amy for showing her truest betchy self at all times, you have to admit, Meredith never promised to be anything but an uptight Wasp with a bulletproof slick back bun. When it comes to fitting in with the Stones (at least a first) she was woefully underprepared by her partner on how the navigate their very specific mess, so she didn’t really stand a chance. However, her wildly offensive rant that would soooo get her canceled in 2024 is privileged white lady shenanigans 101, of the highest degree. Santa would NOT approve!
3. Sybil
Sybil is the matriarch so that means she’s entitled to swing her weight around, but at the same, if it was anyone’s job to make Meredith feel at home it was the head bitch in charge herself. Sybil is going through a very serious time, but did she have to scream about the empty coffee pot?! Sybil wanted everyone else to be merry and bright and meanwhile, she was low-key Meredith, Everett, and Amy’s biggest opp. Did she have to be so harsh when she declined to give her eldest son a family heirloom, knowing it would be one of their last memories? No, she did not, and we love her to pieces anyway, but Mama Bear was on naughty time.
2. Everett
Advert
Okay, this dude sucks. He keeps everyone at arm’s length, his bride-to-be and siblings included, yet expects their undying loyalty and understanding even when he’s not explaining what he’s up to. Everyone clocks the candy cane up Meredith’s ass, but can we talk about how Everett has zero sense of humor, especially when it comes to Ben providing the comedic relief needed to balance out his wet blanket vibe?!? Everett also lacks discernment considering he demanded his mom give him a blessing for his one true love who he then flip-flopped on, like Rudolph’s haters. He needs an entire chimney of coal.
1. Julie
Sorry, Claire Danes, you’re the villain here. Imagine showing up hours away on a bus to “help” your sister only to steal her man within 48 hours’ notice. What Meredith said at dinner was inexcusable, but why didn’t her sister step in to damage control earlier, knowing Meredith’s tendency to shove her Manolo in her mouth? Worst of all, trying on someone’s fresh-out-of-the-box engagement ring is the most pick-me move of all time. Her little miss oblivious act never fooled me considering she was batting her eyes at Everett the moment she fell off the bus. I know this bad sister’s stocking would be stacked full of coal, which is only slightly more annoying than convincing Everett to go to therapy.
Topics: Christmas, Holidays, Movies, Rankings
Marissa Dow