Happy days are here again because another Dakota Johnson press tour is upon us. The upcoming release of her new movie Materialists not only gives us the dream love triangle of Dakota, Pedro Pascal, and Chris Evans, but it also gives us the gift of seeing Dakota be the most unserious ever. Whenever Dakota trots out for any kind of press moment, it almost instantly becomes viral thanks to her wild combination of deadpan delivery, snark, and chaos. She’s an unbothered queen. I both love that for her, and I love her for that.

The thing that’s so fabulous about Dakota Johnson’s press moments is that she’s totally unfiltered and unafraid to step outside the unwritten rules of celebrity press. If she hasn’t seen a movie, she won’t pretend that she has. She’ll call out the silliness of staging her house for video tours. And she will definitely call out Ellen DeGeneres in the middle of her show to make sure she knows she was invited to her birthday party. Dakota just does her own thing, and I, for one, can’t wait to see the new viral treasures she bestows upon us in the future. In the meantime, here’s my definitive ranking of Dakota Johnson’s most unhinged press moments.

Dakota Johnson’s Most Unhinged Interview Moments, Ranked

9. She Can Barely Name The Fifty Shades of Grey Books

Dakota did the infamous Vanity Fair lie detector test and was asked whether or not she read the Fifty Shades of Grey books despite starring in all the movies. She said yes, but then could barely name the titles of the books. This one ranks low because she ultimately was able to name them, but also Dakota always kind of seems like she might be lying, so who knows.

8. Sending Gorilla Poop In The Mail

In that same Vanity Fair Lie Detector video, Dakota proudly admitted to once sending a gallon of gorilla poop to a friend’s ex. To be fair, it was apparently “a man who broke [her] friend’s heart.” But the best part of the admission was when Dakota very calmly explained there’s a website where anyone can place the same order. I wonder if she earns a commission for mentioning them.

7. Unbothered By An Earthquake

During an interview with Entertainment Tonight to promote Madame Web, there was an earthquake, and Dakota could not have been more chill about it. In fact, she simply called it “fabulous” and then got ready to carry on. Icon.

6. Sleeping 14 Hours A Day

Image Credit: Getty

In an interview with The Wall Street Journal, Dakota called sleep her “number one priority in life.” She said she requires at least 10 hours of shut-eye a night but ideally will clock a total of 14 hours. I truly aspire to live that kind of big sleep lifestyle, and I thank Dakota for spreading the gospel of it with us all.

5. She’s Maybe Never Seen A Marvel Movie Despite Starring In One

At the beginning of the Madame Web press tour, Dakota claimed to have “always loved Marvel movies” but then later admitted to seeing maybe 15 minutes of one. She backed that claim up with evidence (or a lack of it) when she couldn’t name the Spider-Man movies or a single female Marvel hero. I’m sure there are plenty of people who couldn’t do that either, but they’re not the stars of a Marvel movie like Dakota. She was probably too busy sleeping to watch a Marvel movie. Gotta keep your priorities in check!

4. Dissing Madame Web

Usually, movie stars don’t, um, completely trash the movies they star in. But not Dakota! She called filming by herself in front of a blue screen for the movie “completely psychotic,” and she said she wasn’t surprised by the bad reviews the movie got. “Unfortunately, I’m not surprised that this has gone down the way it has,” she said. Oop, she said the quiet part out loud.

3. She Hated The Office

But don’t worry, Madame Web is in good company. Dakota critiqued another one of her big-name projects: her guest role in the series finale of The Office. “That was honestly the worst time of my life,” Dakota said on Late Night With Seth Meyers. “They were like, ‘Do you want to be in the series finale?’ And I was like, ‘Of course,’ thinking that I’d show up for like half a day. I was there for two weeks. And I’m barely in the fucking show.” Hey, I get it; that’s valuable time Dakota could have been sleeping.

2. The Architectural Digest Limes

In 2020, Architectural Digest released one of the greatest pieces of cinema of all time with a video tour of Dakota’s home. As she brought the camera into her kitchen, she gently touched a platter of limes and announced, “I love limes. I love them. They’re great. I love them so much, and I like to present them like this in my house.”

It was so matter-of-fact, so without context, that it made for a perfectly meme-able moment. And then it got even better when Dakota revealed she was actually completely lying.

That’s right, Dakota actually doesn’t even like limes at all. In 2021, she went on The Tonight Show and admitted she hadn’t even known the limes were in there; they were placed there by a stylist. In fact, she explained she’s actually allergic to limes. I don’t think it could possibly get more chaotic than that.

1. The Ellen Interview

Ah, the ultimate Dakota Johnson viral moment. In this 2019 interview, Ellen Degeneres asks why she wasn’t invited to Dakota’s 30th birthday party. Dakota’s perfect response: “Actually, no, that’s not the truth Ellen. You were invited.” When Ellen pushes back, Dakota doubles down and tells her to “ask everybody” as she gestures to all of Ellen’s staff and crew. Ellen is completely flustered. Dakota is so proud of herself. It’s everything you could want from a celebrity interview: real and unfiltered. Chef’s kiss.