Ranking The Hottest Santas From Classic Christmas Movies
If you’re not woke to the fact that Christmas movies can kinda give sexy, where the hell you been? Having a wittle crush on jolly Saint Nick is actually not uncommon. As Dr. Holly Wood explained to Betches, a Santa fetish isn’t all that strange when you consider the papa is a generous, hard-working business owner who only gets more attractive every single year. I’m not going to say nine-year-old me was thirsting after these cinematic Kris Kringles, but I am going to say hindsight is 20/20, and now my elder eyes can see: Santa is low-key a certified hottie. So, do the brave thing this season of cheer to get yourself out of that holiday depression and gleefully objectify the sexiest Santas of all time in Christmas movies.
Billy Bob Thornton In Bad Santa
Angelina’s ex is the titular role in the movie Bad Santa. But while Ms. Jolie found him worthy of baring blood, I wouldn’t call him a particularly bad Santa if you follow my (snow) drift. Billy Bob, if you’re reading this, an honorable mention is still a win!
Tom Hanks In The Polar Express
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What?! I didn’t make any promises this list wouldn’t be a little unhinged. Tom Hanks voices several characters in this animated fever dream, but his Santa is kinda giving mysterious lumberjack you meet outside your log cabin in Aspen.
Bill Nighy In Love Actually
Technicallyyyy not a Santa, but hear me out! Uncle Bill might have been well over the other side of the hill by the time he started singing, “Christ-mas is all around me,” but a cheeky chappy is kind of hard to resist, even when they’re geriatric.
David Harbour In Violent Night
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I know David Harbour gets a lot of you girlies going, so you should probs check this action banger in which he gets super drunk and kicks the ass of greedy white-collar criminals. If it reminds you of Christmas at your stuck-up aunt’s house, I’m v sorry.
The Big Show In Jingle All The Way
This is deep-cut sandwiched in a deeper cut, so bear with me. In 1996, Arnold Schwarzenegger was still a movie star, so he made an incredibly bonkers Christmas classic about getting his son an action doll named Turbo Man for Christmas. At one point, Arnold’s search becomes so difficult that he ends up in a shady warehouse run by unsavory mall Santas, trying to get his hand on a bootleg version of the toy, which naturally turns into a brawl. His final Santa boss is wrestler Paul Donald Wight, whose WWE stage name was The Big Show. Who doesn’t appreciate a Father Christmas who can fling them around like a rag doll? Just me??
Kurt Russell In The Christmas Chronicles
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Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have the whole Hollywood love story thing figured out, and I’m going to say in great part due to the fact that they’re both so damn hot. Plus, in the Christmas Chronicles, this Santa has the most tricked-out whip to shred the skies.
Tim Allen In The Santa Clause
Say it with me: we listen, and we don’t judge! Even though Tim Allen is reportedly a bit of a terror IRL, something about his midnight fit of boxers and a robe on the way to the North Pole always does something for me. Maybe my judgment was skewed by how much I hate Neal, IDK, IDK.
Ben Affleck In Reindeer Games
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It’s this version of the Dunkin diva that makes me understand why J.Lo can’t let him go to save her life.
Morris Chestnut In The Perfect Holiday
Does this even need explaining? Morris Chestnut is a legacy hunk, and his role as a mall Santa with a heart of gold in The Perfect Gift proves no differently
Bruce Willis In Die Hard
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Let’s address the elephant in the room: Die Hard unequivocally IS a Christmas movie. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’ll concede that John McClane wasn’t literally Santa. However, he gave everyone trapped in the Nagasaki Tower the gift of escaping alive with a plethora of Santa puns. The whole movie is an allegory for saving family through Christmas, so because I make the rules here, I’m counting it (along with every one of Bruce’s 12-pack)!
Topics: Christmas, Entertainment, Movies
Marissa Dow