Deeply Unhinged Theories About ‘The Tortured Poets Department’ I Can Absolutely Get Behind
Has anyone checked on Joe?
Taylor Alison Swift announced her new album, The Tortured Poets Department, at the 2024 Grammys, and I’m still recovering. Naturally, the queen shared her earth-shattering news while accepting the award for her 13th Grammy, which she won for Best Pop Vocal Album. Apparently, she’s been keeping the secret for two years! To my fellow clowns: I suppose we’ll have to wait a bit longer for Reputation (Taylor’s Version). For now, though, I’m more than happy to drool over the black-and-white TumblrCore cover of TS11 and engage with unhinged theories about The Tortured Poets Department.
The brand new album will bless ears and change lives around the globe on April 19, 2024. Until then, the Swiftie Delusional Detectives Department has serious work to do. Thankfully, they’re already on the job, conducting analyses on the juicy track titles Taylor shared.
Although some fans previously labeled Midnights The Official Joe Alwyn Breakup Album, there’s a new consensus that TTPD is The Actual Breakup Album detailing the end of Taylor’s six-year romance with William Bowery (yes, that’s his real name). All kinds of wild theories involve a novel, the forgotten Woodvale album, The Revolutionary War, and more. Buckle up, girlies!
Theories About The Tortured Poets Department
Tay is Entering Her Author Era – a Book is Coming
Some of the Swifties believe that TTPD is a “segway” into Taylor releasing her debut novel. After all, the name of the bonus track is “The Manuscript,” and there’s definitely a dark academia vibe in general. Not to mention, anyone else remember when Taylor played an author in her All Too Well short film? Easter egg, I say!
The Release Date is *Coincidentally* (Cough) 1 Year After “The Great Unfollowing” of Joe Alwyn
If you’re insane, you know that April 19, 2023, “The Great Unfollowing,” was a monumental moment in Taylor and Joe history. That was the day when members of her inner circle began to unfollow the Conversations with Friends star. Ryan Reynolds, Austin Swift, Gigi Hadid, and Jack Antonoff were all part of the iconic movement.
She’s Torturing “The Tortured Man Club,” Which Includes Joe Alwyn, Paul Mescal, and Andrew Scott
In December 2022, Joe and his buddy, Paul Mescal, made the mistake of revealing that they have a WhatsApp group chat with Andrew Scott called “The Tortured Man Club.” Countless Swifties are pointing out a possible connection between that title and Taylor’s title… it doesn’t not make sense.
The Revolutionary War Release Date is Tay Declaring Her Independence from the British
I’m wheezing. This one probably takes the prize for the most unhinged TTPD theory yet. Yes, the Revolutionary War began on April 19, 1775 with the Battles of Lexington and Concord. Our girl might be literally trying to tell us she’s free from the British!
“So Long, London” is a Track 5 Response Song that will DESTROY Us
Taylor is kinda famous for making her Track 5s utterly devastating and soul-crushing. (Think “Dear John,” “All Too Well,” etc.) The word on the internet is that “So Long, London” will be the depressed older sister of 2019’s “London Boy.” Basically, Swiftie tears will be responsible for the April showers this year.
TTPD is the Woodvale Swifties Never Got
Some creators are shouting from the rooftops, “Woodvale theorists rise!” The Woodvale theorists are a coalition of Swifties who believe there was supposed to be a third installation of Taylor’s pandemic albums, Folklore and Evermore. Supposedly, it was going to be called Woodvale. Perhaps she just changed the name?
Ilana Frost