*LEAKED* The “Tortured Man Club” Group Text

If you hear screaming, don’t panic, that was just the local Swifties in your neighborhood hearing the good news. Taylor is releasing a new album. No, it isn’t Reputation (Taylor’s Version), we were all very wrong, and I have no doubt she is laughing her ass off at how we dissected all her outfits. But whatever, it’s still a win, as we get new music to cry to.

The Tortured Poets Department will come out on April 19th, and while we Swifties are celebrating, there is one man quaking in his boots and nervously sipping his cuppa tea right now. Because he knows exactly what he did, and soon, the whole world is going to know it. A poetry album? You can guarantee this is going to be filled with breakup songs about being wronged. Joe Alwyn, your clock is ticking.

Naturally, Joe would’ve sought comfort from his pals, namely through his favorite group chat, the “Tortured Man Club.” He likely hopped onto it right after hearing the news (and trying to punch a wall, but only injuring his wittle fingers), to seek comfort from Andrew Scott and Paul Mescal, and here’s how it (definitely*) went…

*Joe, it’s a joke. You need to calm down.