Between Floatie Flip-Flops And Croc Tote Bags, Here’s How To Have A 2010s Summer
The curse is ending, the 2000s way of life is returning to the world. Limited Too is making a long-awaited comeback, Freaky Friday 2 is in production, and Justin Timberlake is in his villain era. Nature is literally healing, and it’s doing so with floatie flip-flops, baby tees, and tramp stamps. Join the earth in its healing era by embracing your nostalgia and donning Y2K outfits that are begging to be posted on Insta.
However, it must be noted, an early 2000s summer is not aesthetically pleasing. All those cute teens thinking they’re Y2K with their neat pics or structured photo dumps are wrong. I want entire albums dedicated to one night out. I want grainy pics with dramatic captions that get you hooked on the tea. I want unflattering photos of your salad or outfit. Give me shit quality photos. You want authentic social media? That’s not about editing; it’s about posting shit that no one wants to see.
Clean girl is out, and feral rat is back! Here’s the only guide you need on how to have an early 2000s summer by someone who survived the first time around. You’re so welcome!!!
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Floatie flip flops
Okay, let’s immediately start with the man, the myth, the legend… the floatie flip flops. I fucking squealed when I saw these are back, almost as much as I squeal when the handsome love interest growls, “Who did this to you?”
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My feet spent countless summers sweating and blistering in these bad boys. Objectively, they’re ugly, in the same way that crusty white dogs are ugly yet cute. They look like something worn in a Lego movie. but I can’t wait to stuff my feet into them.
Be warned: these babies heat up FAST in the sun!!! You will get third degree burns. So keep them under your sun bed.
Pool Float Flip Flops
$40.00
A tote bag… but make it Crocs
We love our tote bags, obviously, even though they make us want to SCREAM when they keep slipping down our arm or we can’t find our fucking keys in them. But what if I told you that you could have an even better bag?
Imagine if your tote bag got knocked up by your childhood Crocs, who then left her to raise the child on her own. Introducing the Bogg Bag. You could even wash her — you won’t, but you COULD. The best part is that it doesn’t tip over!! It just stands sturdy, so no scrambling for your tampons on the floor of a restaurant or taking half of the beach home with you. Also, if you’re obsessed with adding on accessories to your Stanley — wait until you see all the accessories this one bag can come with.
Bogg Bag (L/XL)
$90.00
Trucker hats
Before you run screaming, I know! We all looked back at the trucker hat era and laughed. But didn’t we do the same for crew socks? And look at us now! What if trucker hats hold all the answers to our problems? Maybe a trucker hat could make us happy and erase our childhood trauma. It’ll at least stop us from getting a sunburned nose and watching it peel over the next week. Give it some thought.
The Banquet Rodeo Trucker Hat
$14.99
$10.99
Graphic tees
We all know these bad boys are back, but that doesn’t make it any less exciting or terrifying!! After years of throwing away t-shirts that have shrunk in the wash, I can now proudly wear them a la Olivia Rodrigo. I’d like to see HR try to write me up now! Nothing says summer like a baby tee.
Yes, you will have massive armpit sweat stains, but it is FASHUN HUNNY. You’ve got plenty of baby tee options, so go wild, girlie. Bonus points for going braless under. Or if you don’t quite feel comfortable with that, buy the Skims nipple bra, as that makes sense.
Psychotic Baby Tee
$28.00
Vest-As-Shirt
Vests, waistcoats, whatever you want to call them. As you can see from just about every celebrity, they’re back! Another thing we swore we’d never pull from the Y2K archive. Only now we’re extra naughty, and we don’t wear anything under them heehee. There are boobies under this waistcoat!!
Nothing gets me going harder than a queer woman in a waistcoat. I am literally on my knees for her — “Alexa, play Slave 4 U by Britney Spears.” For this Y2K revival, we’re wearing waistcoat sets, yep!! Bonus points if it’s linen, which is the sluttiest of fabrics.
Linen-Cotton Vest
$69.95
Tube tops
I have not worn a tube top in at least a decade and a half, namely because I always end up looking like one of those sausage garlands you see in butcher shops. But it is 2024, so we are loving our bodies and squeezing those loved bodies into tube tops that cut off our circulation! You will spend the entire night tugging it up, but who cares?? More attention to your tits right there.
Bonus points: spread some glitter across your bare collarbones. Iconic shit right there.
3-Pack Tube Tops
$23.99
She’s patriotic
The Olympics are happening! So that means gymnastics, running, and other sports I don’t care to watch! It’s very early 2000s to actually like the country you live in and celebrate the July 4th unironically. ‘Murica, am I right? Maybe you could even do something really crazy, like register to vote?? Hot girls vote.
I Fucking Voted Hat
$32.00
French tips
Okay, in order to have a 2010s summer, our nails have to be involved as well. I know the French manicure never really left, instead it just upgraded. But idk, girlies, maybe we should just go for a classic French tip. It’s boring, there’s no doubt about it, but maybe it’s so boring that it’s interesting. More importantly, I can do it at home with Essie’s Ballet French Manicure Kit and save money on profesh manicures as I am already broke from this summer.
Ballet French Manicure Kit
$18.00
$14.48
A song as your ringtone
I don’t want to hear that lame-ass iPhone ringtone this summer. I’m bored of it, she’s boring!! I want us to return to the good ol’ days of putting songs as a ringtone. You can be basic and put “Espresso” as your ringtone or go cunty and put a Charli XCX track. Personally, my new ringtone is Chappell Roan’s “Casual” as I was a fan first. The other day, my phone rang with the lyrics “Knee deep in the passenger seat, and you’re eating me out,” and my mom was gobsmacked — sigh, I thought she was an ALLY. I can’t wait to hear what song you put as your ringtone this feral rat summer.
Belly chains
I’ve been reluctant to welcome back low-waist jeans, but if they’re combined with whale tails, maybe I could be a littles less reluctant. They’re like the statement necklaces of your lower body. But if you’re not willing to come on this whale tail journey with me, at least meet me halfway with belly chains. These have been coming back for a while now, worn by the likes of Hailey Bieber, Khloe Kardashian, and every other former Teatox rep. I always assumed I didn’t have the abs for them (my abs are shy), but I’ve been seeing them on curvacious girlies on TikTok, and I’m thirsting. I’m down if you are; let’s belly chain this pooch.
18K Gold Plated Waist Chain
$13.99
Tramp stamps
Before you start saying you can’t get a tattoo as a fashion trend, yes, you totally can! I have two Taylor Swift tattoos, and I’m still employable and fuckable! Just don’t ask my mom for her opinion on the matter.
Back to the point at hand: get a tramp stamp this summer. Just don’t forget not to swim or go in the sun for a month after. But then you’ve got a sexy body accessory forever!! Or if you want to be a wimp about it, get a temporary tattoo, I guess. If only to terrify your family on vacation.
Waterproof Temporary Tattoos
$9.99
Catch me on my landline
The only person I know with a landline is my mom and that’s because she has like zero cell reception at her place. But now that I think about it, maybe we should all get landlines?
Firstly, because they’re so cunty. I want to twirl that cord around my finger like the Y2K minx I am inside. Secondly, because then you have the BEST reason for not picking up the phone, aside from phones just generally being very scary. I’m deciding between oversized lips or a hamburger. What do you think?
Lips Landline
$19.99
Start a social media challenge
I kind of miss social media challenges. If we’re making Instagram more AUTHENTIC, can it have some authentically hilarious social media challenges? I miss the days when we were posting fake no-makeup selfies, pouring ice buckets on ourselves, eating cinnamon and writing words on our hands.
Let’s do some crazy social media challenges. NO TIDE PODS, GEN Z!!! But idk… what if we all share the weirdest sexual fantasy we’ve ever had heehee? What if we all shave our heads? Or we could post a pic of that mole we def should get checked and tag a dermatologist. Just thinking out loud here.
Topics: Feel Old Yet?, Shopping, Summer, Trends
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