Considering those big sticks they tote around, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that pole vaulting was the sport to suffer a rather phallic moment. But I don’t think anyone was prepared for this major Olympic event, as we were all distracted by Simon Biles being a girlboss and the Muffin Man. Nevertheless, this weekend, we all learned a lot more about Anthony Ammirati and what he’s carrying. I will never look at pole vaulting again, and I will be finding a way to that Olympic Village pronto.
Who is the pole vaulter who went viral for his bulge? And where can I find him
Olympian pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati is a well-endowed Frenchman, to put it lightly. His assets mean that I won’t even hold his nationality against him. At twenty-one years old, Anthony competed in the men’s event at the Stade de France for pole vaulting. He competed with fellow croissant critic Thibaut Collet, and the pair successfully passed 5.60 meters. But when it came to 5.70 metres, Anthony was held back by his… meal deal? I’m trying to keep it PG in case my mom is reading this (hi, mom), but I’m really struggling, so work with me, people. Anthony’s junk in the front trunk hit the pole and rendered him 12th in the group, causing him to not progress to the final for a chance at a medal. If you want to get technical, his knee hit the bar, followed by his extra bendy knee, but it’s the same thing. Basically, wood hit metal.
How did Anthony Ammirati respond?
Our physically gifted friend spoke to the French Athletics Federation (FAF, lol) about the jump and said, “I’m a bit gutted because I didn’t miss anything on the third attempt at 5.70 m. What I did miss was a bit of jumping in training to fine-tune the settings. Just a technical session.
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I was 100 percent physically, but I was missing a bit of pole vault. The conditions were good. It’s the first time I’ve started a competition without any stress,” Ammirati continued. ”As I was a total outsider, I only had one goal: to interact with the audience. I was almost there.”
Well, you certainly interacted with audiences across the world, so mission accomplished, sir!!! I need Ammirati to comment on the rest of it — he didn’t address the elephant in the room — although I’m guessing my man is very busy in the Olympic Village right now. According to TMZ, a porn site offered the athlete $250,000 to participate in a 60-minute webcam show, so all is not lost!
Advice from Serena Williams’ coach
Serena’s former coach, Rennae Stubbs decided to weigh in and offer some advice to the young lad. The 53-year old world champion tweeted, “Seriously!!! When your sport is all about getting your body over a bar and it’s a matter of millimetres! My man! Call a drag queen! She’ll teach u how to tuck it! This is unbelievable!”
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I mean, she does kinda have a point. Obviously, about the drag queen part, Violet Chachki or Monet will sort you out real fast. But also, this is maybe something he should have considered. The women’s gymnastics team manages to wear the tiniest leotards and not have a vulva incident. I’m just saying we’re yet to have tits knock the pole vault — correct me if I’m wrong (pls don’t, I am sensitive).
While it’s tempting to think that Anthony is a chill guy with no idea how physically gifted he is, and that’s why he didn’t tuck (the boy version of a pick-me-girl), we have reason to believe he knows exactly what he’s packing. I’d like to commit to evidence Anthony’s tattoo.
On his forearm, the defendant has a wrap-around snake tattoo, which is very much giving hot they/them barista at your fave espresso bar. If it’s not a humble brag, it’s a warning to women. It’s giving Samantha and the big dick man (oops, I finally said it). Either way, this man may be going home, but he won’t be doing it alone. In fact, he’ll never be alone with that additional limb. And that’s my time. You’ve been a great audience! Drive safe!!!