Featured Image Credit: Unknown
Topics: Hailey Bieber, Justin Bieber
Emma Sharpe
The rumors are true! Hailey and Justin Beiber are about to be parents, blending their genetic Monets to create one very symmetrical baby. Maybe Justin’s viral crying selfie was simply about the impending joys of fatherhood?? Or showing his possible future son that real men access and display their emotions on a global platform?
If you are pregnancy twins with Hailey right now, I am so sorry! While you’re waddling around with feet the size of Jeff Bezos’ yacht, Hailey will be doing a tastefully nude pregnancy photo shoot with Harper’s Bazaar and Annie Liebovitz. She’ll be posting Bible verses and cursive story captions about how beautiful this journey is, and you’re going to be vomiting in the bathroom while your Zoom call is on mute and your manager Slacks you that you’ve “seemed a little checked out lately.”
Hailey’s worst day will always be two decathlons ahead of your best day. She’s the type of girl who uses one dot of concealer before leaving for the Met Gala. She’s the literal embodiment of that dumb T.J.Maxx tank top quote, “I don’t sweat, I glisten.” If she had regular, non-model friends, she’d say things to them like, “ugh, I wish my hair had volume like yours,” or “being this thin is so annoying, I wish I had your curves,” or “do you want my maternity clothes when I’m done with them? They’ll be great everyday staples for you.”
Just like Hailey manifested her entire relationship with her pop star idol Justin Bieber, she’s going to manifest being the hottest mom at dropoff at Sierra Canyon. Her post-baby bod will rebound faster than you can say pilates. She and Kylie are going to be having Alo Yoga-clad playdates while childless Kendall third wheels.
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And since she’s clawed her way from fan to A-Lister, I’m betting good money ($11) that her first born will have a classic, out-of-pocket celebrity name. It’s going to be unexpected, polarizing, something Nara Smith wishes she thought of. Hailz is not going to plan and execute a 10-month baby launch communications strategy just to push out an Ashley.
Let’s take a peek at the names in contention, straight from the chaotic yet sacred confines of her iPhone Notes App. But don’t get too excited — the final pick will still have to be vetted by the church, The Lede Company, and the United States Trademark Office. ***Also, if you couldn’t tell, we didn’t actually hack Hailey’s phone, this is just what we spend our days imagining.***
