An Objective Evaluation Of Jo’s Bleach Job On Schwartz’s Head

A unicorn like Jo appears on reality television so rarely in a lifetime, so you better believe I’m soaking up every single spooky moment. That’s why I was glued to the screen the split second I clocked that Jo was thee stylist who gave Schwartz his unforgettable bleach blond look that had us stunned, confused, and some might even say shook last summer. I don’t know why I didn’t put two and two together earlier in the season, considering how much attention Jo’s other notable work on the show has received (e.g. the French braid that broke Scheana’s brain) but I am grateful to have discovered this revelation after becoming familiar with the woman behind the nickname “T-Money” nonetheless.

Why? Because Tom Schwartz bleaching his hair to feel cool again is kind of interesting… but Tom Schwartz getting his hair drastically changed by his controversial situationship who’s on the outs with the girls because of her proximity to Rachel and (seemingly) 2012 Tumblr core? Absolutely sensational television. Here’s a minute-by-minute breakdown of Schwartz’s transformation into Draco Malfoy’s cool older cousin who buys them alcohol but lives in his mom’s basement.

“We’re gonna do something fun”

After entering Hair Boss (which let me say up front seems like a perfectly lovely West Hollywood salon), Tom is escorted by the owner back to Jo’s chair as he rambles on about the mid-life crisis that landed him in the mood for “something fun” today. Jo wastes no time diving into both the bleach bowl and what Schwartz was up to last night in the casual cool girl way one probes for information from the guy one is not so secretly in love with. Unfortunately for her, Schwartz was on a date with Tori last night, who was on a date with his ex-wife Katie the night before (God, I love this show). Jo — pardon me, Joseph — doesn’t understand the group’s acceptance of Schwartz dating Tori as opposed to dating someone else in their friend group like idk, just spitballing here, herself.

“How’s your head doing?”

Back to the hair, Tom’s little locks are generously doused in bleach throughout the entirety of his and Jo’s goss sesh. I’m not a professional stylist, but I am a professional idiot at spending money I don’t have to get the perfect color and cut. With this qualification earned by hundreds of hours in the chair, I feel confident in saying that is a lot of bleach for a long time. I can’t tell if Tom is nervous because Jo asks to join him and Sandoval at a singles mixer (who wouldn’t bring their FWB to the function, amirite?) or because he’s become “numb to the burning now.” Salon owner Lena’s face as she eagerly suggests taking a peak at Jo’s masterpiece is me watching this entire exchange about kick-ass-ness. Good thing I didn’t throw out my solar eclipse glasses yet, because the initial reveal sure is bright!

Eminem Era

Image Credit: Bravo

After Jo, brave soul that she is, runs her fingers through Schwartz’s bleached mop with the cavalier spirit that allows her to do things such as blow raspberries mid-conversation and find a trucker hat to pair with every outfit. Does it look a little gummy from where I’m sitting? Maybe, but that’s nothing a little condition and tone can’t fix. Plus, Tom being herded from chair to bowl over and over again probably gave him more empathy for the female experience than five years of marriage did. Jo says Tom looks like Eminem, but only if Eminem worked at a dual crystal/sandwich shop in Silverlake. Tom wanted to feel young again, which is the only explanation I can drum up for why Jo unironically made a “little boy” shampoo mohawk on his head for entertainment at their combined 81 years of age.

Back to Brown?

Post-tone Tom is back in the chair and the final reveal is…ashy brown? I know Jo “hates” non-stylists misunderstanding the craft (lol oops) but I can’t imagine how brown Tom’s hair looks in the final moments of their makeover scene is a trick of the camera, since Tom himself says it out loud. So how does she magically transform this color to the shaved buttery blonde we see at the singles’ mixer? That shall forever remain a mystery because Bravo cut the cameras before the “second lightening session” occurred. Wild speculation: Some serious snipping, color mixing, and guidance from Lena off-camera helped land the final result. Wilder speculation: Tom cut off their fling the next day, not because he saw the footage of Jo squirming like an inflatable man outside of a car dealership mere feet away from him kissing someone else, but because he secretly didn’t like his haircut and he had to draw the line somewhere. Andy, if you’re reading this, I’m going to need all of the above discussed in full at the reunion.