Featured Image Credit: Amazon Studios
Topics: Entertainment, TV
Ilana Frost
Are you aware that your loyalty to a The Summer I Turned Pretty character is a window into your soul? I can actually learn everything I need to know about a person by asking them if they’re Team Conrad, Jeremiah, or Belly, especially now that we’ve made it to the third and final season and know these characters and their stories so intimately. “OMG, you’re so judgmental!” Yup, judging is my favorite sport. Got me there. Here’s the deal: One of these teams, I fuck with, one of the teams I want literally nothing to do with, and one of the teams I find mostly harmless, but also cringe and annoying.
If I’m being honest, the below is probably the most accurate personality test/roast you’ll ever experience. It’s very, very serious stuff, based on science and years and years of high-level research. Don’t know why I’m not charging good money for it. So, are you mentally prepared to get to know yourself better? Without further ado, here’s what being Team Conrad, Jeremiah, or Belly says about you. (*I don’t make these rules, I’m just reporting them.)
Basically, you’re hot. You definitely have clear skin, luscious hair, and gorgeous eyes, and you’re going places in life. You’re the friend who should be giving advice because you’ve always been wise beyond your years and your IQ is off the charts. You have a quiet confidence and an elite sense of humor, and you also have a habit of intensely yearning, but it’s more endearing than annoying. Sure, you suffer from severe mental illness, but like, in a charming, quirky way. And you should probably work on your avoidant attachment tendencies, but you’ll get there. You’ve been through so much therapy that you can navigate complex conflicts in your sleep. You may be a hopeless romantic, but you’re not a fucking idiot: You just know a soulmate when you see one. In summary? I trust you, I feel connected to you, and I want you in my life.
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So, you’re either under the age of 20, or you act like you are. You don’t GAF about women’s rights (you’re a cheater apologist and apparently in support of a child bride and a girl skipping her Paris study abroad semester for a m*n?). You’re struggling financially, which is probably why you keep defending the barely-there engagement ring. Frankly, you’re too happy, too energetic, and too delusional. As Taylor Swift (who basically provides the whole Summer I Turned Pretty soundtrack) once said, “You need to calm down.” Your taste in men is tragic, and if we were friends, I would absolutely despise your partner. But realistically, we wouldn’t be friends anyway. If you were asking for my professional advice, I’d highly recommend therapy and several serious moments of reflection.
Sigh. You’re a feminist — millennial girl boss style (derogatory). You purport to be all about so-called “girl power,” but if we’re being so for real, you’re just trying hard to look like a good person, and you want a pat on the back. (You won’t get it here, sorry.) I have lots of questions about why you feel loyal to Belly, a girl who never left her tween era and can’t seem to escape this weird, incest-adjacent situation. You definitely listen to Taylor Swift, Gracie Abrams, and Olivia Rodrigo on repeat, which is respectable enough. It’s okay to accept that you watch this show for romance and that you would like a romantic ending. You don’t actually wanna see this girl end up alone after 10,000 or so years of brother-switching. It would be truly psychotic for her to torture them like that only to ditch them altogether.