The Most Unhinged Ways To (Dis)Honor Your Ex This Valentine’s Day

If you’re spending this Valentine’s Day alone, you might be feeling a lot of things: sadness, loneliness, and perhaps maybe even a little anger. Why the fuck am I sitting alone sad just because my trash ass ex decided to do something trashy and break us up? Whether they cheated, broke things off with you, just weren’t treating you the way you deserved, or weren’t making you cum (a valid reason to break up with someone), you might be having a lot of unresolved feelings about your ex. And while your usual solution may be to send them a slew of angry texts cursing the day they were born, there might be a few healthier options available to you this VDay.

Because hating your ex is pretty much a universal experience, there are a few companies that actually offer services to help you really tap into the true hater you are. And no, I don’t mean egging their house or signing their email up for every possible spam ad you can. There is no need to let your ex know that you’re still in your feels. Luckily for you, most of these ex-related Valentine’s Day experiences can be done without your ex ever knowing they’re happening. And for the ones you send to them? Well, they deserve it.

1. Name A Rat After Your Toxic Ex

That’s right, honor your ex like the rat they are!! BetUs, an online sports book, is letting people name one of their All-star rat basketball players (yeah, I don’t know either) after your ex for just $15!

2. Name A Cockroach — And Then Feed It To An Animal

Think you’re insulting rats everywhere by giving them your evil ex’s name? That’s okay — you can name a roach instead. The San Antonio Zoo lets you name a cockroach after your ex, and for just $10, they’ll feed it to one of the zoo’s residents. Burning letters is so last Valentine’s Day — this year, we’re feeding roach-versions of our exes to zoo animals.

3. Name A Barf Bag After Your Ex

Let your ex’s name carry on to do what they were meant to do in this life: be a receptacle for vomit. Universal Orlando Resort will provide a barf bag with your ex’s name on it to someone who needs to puke after riding one of their rides. Not only are you honoring your ex the way they deserve, you’re also helping a roller coaster rider.

4. Send Them A Stinky Valentine

Now, I’m more of a no-contact girlie, but if your ex needs to be reminded that they’re a piece of shit, what better way to do it than to send them a video of a literal piece of shit (twins!). For $10, the Memphis Zoo will let you send a virtual valentine to your ex of an elephant pooping onto a bigger pile of poo.

5. Feed Their ‘Heart’ To A Big Cat

If your ex really did you dirty (I’m talking, sleeping with your best friend levels of treachery), a rat or poop video probably won’t cut it. What you need are the big guns. In this case, that’s Wildcat Ridge Sanctuary’s “Be My Bloody Valentine” deal, where you pay to have your ex’s “heart” (a mold of meat and jello) fed to a wildcat. Now, this one’s a little pricier at $75, but can you put a price on true revenge?