Why Do Guys Get Turned On By Tears? Charlie, I’m Looking At You

When it comes to the latest season of Too Hot to Handle, there’s a lot I could talk about; the breakup song, the lack of girl’s girls, and the I can never look at Big Ben the same way again — a real fucking problem if you live in London. But despite all of these atrocities, there’s one moment that won’t leave my mind and seems indicative of something so much bigger. I’m talking about Katherine and Charlie, but likely not for the reason you think. I can’t get past the way Charlie was immediately attracted to Katherine when she cried… and how he was seemingly turned on by it.

I had a similar experience with an ex. My boyfriend-at-the-time seemed the most attracted to me when I was crying. You could say it was the vulnerability — as Charlie defends it on the show — but there are a lot of moments when someone can be vulnerable without crying. And when we’re crying, why was it their instinct to kiss us, rather than hug or simply engage with words? Why is crying sexualized?

After watching the latest season of Too Hot to Handle, clearly I’m not the one who has been on the receiving end of a horny man while crying. I spoke to sex and relationship experts about if there something deeper going on in how men react to crying women. Or, was Lana del Rey right, and are women just pretty when they cry?!

What happened with Katherine and Charlie in Too Hot to Handle?

Image Credit: Courtesy of Netflix

First, let me back up. Until episode six, Charlie had been matched with Lucy, and Katherine was off, causing trouble with her match, Louis. Despite an initially wandering eye and smooch with a couple of gals, Charlie seemed happy in his match. His only complaint was that Lucy wouldn’t break the rules with him — mate, a kiss with you is not worth $6,000, sorry. Then, the contestants had to engage in a workshop that involved looking in a mirror and describing themselves — also known as my personal hell realized.

Initially, they all talked about how great their faces were, but after some aggravated prodding from the workshop leader, they dived in. Katherine discussed the pressure of coming across strong and like she’s got her shit together and how she just wants to be loved for who she is. Naturally, this caused her to tear up — even I got a lil misty there!!

Immediately, Charlie became more attracted to Katherine, and you can even see it on his face as he’s watching her. There’s this switch of interest as he watches her cry. Moments later, he tells her that he wants to kiss her, despite both their matches standing a few feet away. They make plans to meet in secret, but the deal is done, Charlie is over Lucy and full steam ahead on Katherine.

Why did Charlie seemingly get turned on by Katherine’s tears?

Image Credit: Courtesy of Netflix

Charlie claimed it was about seeing Katherine be vulnerable. She opened up and revealed that her confidence is often a shield from insecurities. It’s a chance to see someone for who they really are, runny mascara and hiccups and all.

“There are a few possible reasons behind Charlie’s reaction to Katherine’s tears,” Annabelle Knight, sex & relationships expert at Lovehoney, tells Betches. “Some men might find themselves attracted to or even turned on by women crying — we humans are wired to respond to emotions, especially when it’s someone close to us or someone we care about. When someone cries, it’s a clear signal of distress and need. Charlie’s instinctive reaction might be his brain’s way of saying, ‘Hey, she needs help. Be there for her.’”

Comforting a crying person puts someone in a position of feeling like a caretaker. Not to get all caveman about it, but maybe it’s evolutionary, and he felt able to defend a girlie from the woolly mammoth of societal pressures. Or it’s social, and men like feeling needed in a situation; since great vibrators have taken one job — IT’S A JOKE, MEN! WE STILL NEED YOU TO BUY THE BATTERIES!!

“Rightly or wrongly, the way society shapes our thinking also plays a role in our reactions,” Knight adds. “From a young age, men are often taught to be protectors and providers. When someone cries, it triggers these ingrained roles, pushing men to step up and offer support. It’s not just about attraction; it’s about fulfilling a role that’s been drilled into them.”

This suggests that Charlie felt needed by Katherine in a way he didn’t by Lucy, which caused the abrupt jump-ship-moment. But Annabelle also discussed how there’s a darker side to this perceived role.

“Sometimes, men might be drawn to vulnerability because it creates a power imbalance in their favor,” she warns. “If a man only responds to a partner when they are emotional, it can suggest that he feels more comfortable or more in control when they’re in a weakened state. And in some cases, this attraction to vulnerability can be part of a larger, more problematic dynamic where women feel they need to display vulnerability to get attention and care.” Ruh roh.

So, is crying just another form of power play?

Sure, the best sex usually comes from the giving and taking of power. By trusting your sexual partner, you’re giving them power over you, which is what can make a situation so hot. But judging from these reactions to women crying, is this becoming another form of foreplay for people?

When I was with my ex, I was going through a tough time and grieving. Whenever I’d end up crying he’d get turned on by it. On some level it didn’t feel okay, but I just felt flattered that he was attracted to me when I was red-eyed and snotty, so I went with it. Let’s just say things ended up under the sheets, to put it in Bridgerton terms. So, did my boyfriend-at-the-time see my crying as a sacrifice of power?

Jessica Alderson, co-Founder and relationship expert at So Syncd, certainly thinks this can happen. “Some men are turned on by women crying because it can give them a sense of power or control,” she explains. “Seeing a woman in a vulnerable state can enhance feelings of dominance, which can be a turn-on for some men. It can tap into their protector instincts, making them feel needed and ‘manly.’”

Alderson also suggests that crying can evoke a sense of innocence and purity, which some men find sexually appealing due to associations with “gentleness and tenderness.” I hate the idea of being so infantilized, and especially how it then gets linked to sexual connotations — yuck. But then she got even more real about the worst-case scenarios.

“​​There are some men who get pleasure from seeing a woman in distress or pain,” she says. “This is a huge red flag and can be a sign of misogyny or even psychopathy.”

Maybe men enjoy a woman’s emotional pain because they see their package as the bandaid. Maybe they feel threatened, and pretty girls crying allows them to feel superior. That said, the opposite can be true: some are turned off by a woman crying.

“They may see it as manipulative behavior or find the emotional display unsettling. It can also be distressing for some men to see someone they care about upset — they may feel powerless.” I guess it really depends on the individual.

There’s a fine line between pleasure and pain, any gal who has experimented with spanking can tell you as much. But emotional pain is a line I don’t want to cross. Choke me, sure, but don’t hurt my feelings. I’m a sensitive girlie! Either way, keep your pants zipped and hand me a box of Kleenex, thanks. As for the THTH couple, it sounds like Charlie and Katherine are still together.

“I honestly couldn’t be happier,” Katherine told Collider. “Honestly, sometimes it makes me cry thinking about it.” Welp, it sounds like that’s just fine with Charlie.