Dear Your Royal Highness, I’d Love To Throw My Hat In The Ring For That Comms Job

To whom it may concern,

Thank you so much for the opportunity to apply for The Palace’s Communications Assistant position. Personally, I think you already do such an incredible job over there. Truly impressive. However, there’s always room for improvement, and I believe that my talents, passions, experience, and baby age combined make me uniquely qualified to excel in this role.

I’m ready and excited to dive headfirst into crisis management. As a naturally gifted PR girlie, I always welcome a challenge and would be honored to help change the current disturbing internet narrative. The Princess of Wales deserves someone who communicates at the highest level. Someone who speaks celebrity, royal, Twitter, TikTok, Instagram, reddit, British, conspiracy theory, and more. Someone who devotes every waking moment to Kate Middleton. Someone who isn’t afraid to push the envelope and try risky but rewarding publicity moves. I’m describing myself, of course.

Below, I’ve listed my very relevant experience, key strategy ideas for Kate, and extra special skills. I look forward to discussing my qualifications at your convenience. (I do recommend that we speak sooner rather than later given the circumstances.)

Best,

Ilana

Relevant Experience: 

• Worrisome addiction to TikTok since 2020
• In-depth understanding of the mindset of a troll (I used to be one wayyyy back in the day)
• Former conspiracy theorist — I supported her in her rumored BBL journey
• Over a decade of being fake on Instagram
• Solved several cases and uncovered probably top secret information by online stalking
• Studied abroad in London once
• Accustomed to being broke (so 32K will be just fine for me)
• Have binged The Crown and Suits on multiple occasions

Kate Strategy Ideas: 

• Create a “Who TF Did I Marry” Reesa Teesa Style TikTok docuseries explaining what the fuck’s been going on (if the Rose Hanbury rumors somehow happen to be true, which I would never assume, obviously)
• Post a devastating but heartwarming reel/TikTok montage of old Kate photos using Taylor Swift’s “Soon You’ll Get Better” for audio
• Spill the tea on Alix Earle’s Hot Mess podcast or Jake Shane’s Therapuss podcast
• Hold a casting call for a more accurate body double immediately
• Have Kate feature on a remix of JoJo Siwa’s upcoming smash single “Karma” and speak (rap) her truth about the rumors, William, the palace, etc.
• Get Kate on a Renee Rapp-esque press tour to tell her side of the story in a jarring but charming way
• Remove Photoshop from her computer

Special Skills: 

• Stanning A-list girlies
• Lying
• Being chronically online
• Communications!
• Getting revenge
• Posing as a royalist
• Convincing English accent