An In-Depth Examination Of *That* Kate Middleton Car Pic (‘Cause TBH, I’m Not Buying It)

We have entered the month of March and only just received our first 2024 sighting of Kate Middleton. That is not fucking normal. Girlie went in for a “routine” surgery in January, and all the Palace will say is that it was “successful”… okay, that doesn’t give us much, but sure. Kate is supposed to be off work until Easter and now June, and I love that for her, like go watch the shit out of The Crown, we know you want to. But not working doesn’t mean not being seen. I won’t work for days, but I still retweet everything related to Taylor Swift, upload depressed girl walk selfies, and curate the perfect carousel post captioned “life lately.”

This is the woman who was photographed in a full face of makeup mere hours after giving birth, with said child in her arms like baby Jesus. And I am supposed to believe she hasn’t been photographed since before Pookie TikTok went viral? I don’t buy it. Something fishy is going down in the Palace (wouldn’t be the first time), and I am the only one qualified to find out what it is.

I’m the girlie who notices when your boyfriend hasn’t been featured recently, and scrolls through your entire Instagram feed since 2020 to notice the shift. You think soft launching just a hand on a coffee cup will deter sleuths like me? I don’t think so. I’m zooming in on the scrawled name on the cup, I’m crossmatching the glitzy watch to all of your followers pics, and I am whittling down the list of suspects.

It’s a gift, it’s a curse, and it’s time to apply these hard-earned skills to more than my CV. Kate needs me, I know that much, and I will not let her down. Ignoring the advice of another princess to “Let it Go,” I am going to buckle down and get to the bottom of this mystery, the Mystery of the Car Photo, as it shall henceforth be known. (BTW, you can see the Kate Middleton photo we’re dissecting here.)

Image Credit: Getty Images

Is it even Kate?

This may sound crazy, but this definitely wouldn’t be the first time the royals have done a The Parent Trap switcheroo. You might remember Pippa as Dat Fine Ass at their wedding all those years ago (girlie, drop your booty regime). Is she stepping in to pretend to be her sister, in response to all the speculation?

Is it even human?

Okay, I don’t think it’s like some Area 51 shit, but it could be a wax figure. Windsor Castle isn’t too far from Madame Tussauds, right? Like if Pippa wasn’t free or willing, maybe they borrowed the Kate wax figure, stuffed some sunglasses on, and went cruising.

Where is the Kate mole?

Our girl Katie has a mole above her lip, and this impostor does not. Unless she decided to get a little cosmetic surgery done at the same time as her abdominal surgery, that’s SUSPICIOUS. That’s WEIRD.

Is that her nose?

Or should I be more specific: that’s not her nose. as someone who has had a weird ick about my nose for life, I keep a close eye on different noses, and girlie is sporting a snub nose, when she has always had a straight nose. This smells like AI.

Why is the quality right out of a horror film?

This isn’t the ’90s, despite what the rise in low-waisted jeans might lead you to believe. We have evolved a long way in our paparazzi pics — for better or worse. This is some outdated trashy magazine quality, and I don’t buy it. Why is it so grainy? They don’t want us to look too closely.

Why is it only Mama Carol with her?

Love a mother-daughter lunch or whatever this is, but it’s a little odd tbh. Kate isn’t seen for months and then spotted in a car with just her mother. No security. No fellow royals. No kids in the backseat.

Why is there only a car pic?

We waited all this time to receive a blurry car pic, JUST like the one of William visiting Kate in the hospital (on his own like a big boy!!!). Why are there no photos of wherever they went? It’s not that I feel entitled to know all of her movements, but just this one.

Is she trying to mouth something?

Some people say she’s smiling in the pic, but it would have to be a very romance book “he smirked” energy. I think she might be trying to subtly mouth something to the photographer. I mean, she is staring right at them.

Is she just growing out bangs?

Girlie, we get it!! Nothing worse than a bad haircut and you told the hairdresser you “loved it” in a squeaky voice with tears in your eyes. Bangs are especially difficult to get rid of and it’s only natural you were influenced.

Is she okay?

I don’t need her entire medical dossier, obviously. But it seems like we get daily updates about Charles and his prostate, while Kate is a mystery, and I just wanna know my girlie is thriving. Big love to you.