Every two years the Olympics roll around and I realize, hey, I know nothing about any of these athletes or events. Who is the star of the men’s beach volleyball team? Couldn’t tell you. Who’s in contention to break a world record in the discus throw? No idea. At watch parties I sit silently eating my mozz sticks with no fun banter to offer to the group, or nod along “knowingly” at work when the obligatory pre-meeting small talk falls on the games.

If this sounds like you, you’re in luck, because we put together a handy guide of fun facts and trivia about Paris 2024 that will transform you into the most learned Olympic scholar there ever was. Everyone will marvel at your intelligence and wit. Alex Cooper will need to clear the way, because Peacock will be knocking down your door to offer you an anchor spot for 2026! Here’s what to say when you want to join in on Olympic talk this year.

2024 Olympic Talking Points

Olympic Village Talk

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• The Olympic Village meals are catered by the same company that makes shitty dining hall food and has allegedly already served raw meat to the Olympians
• There’s no AC in the athletes’ bedroom… TBH, that would make me consider rescinding my spot
• The surfers will compete in Tahiti, and their “village” is a luxury cruise ship replete with water slides (medals aside, they’ve already won)
• Anti-sex beds are a myth — yes, the bed frames are cardboard, but the mattress can withstand vigorous physical activity, so fret not
• Even better, the Olympic Village is fully stocked with adorable condoms (can condoms be adorable?) emblazoned with the motto, “no need to be a gold medalist to wear it”

Fast Fashion Facts

• The US Olympians are decked out in Ralph Lauren gear for both the opening and closing ceremonies, so everyone is dressed like a sexy Kennedy
• Katie Ledecky’s swimsuit is made from frictionless yarn inspired by the fabric of military soldiers’ socks… the more you know
• There are more than 10,000 crystals on the Team USA women’s gymnastics leotards, like a Sherri Hill prom dress on steroids

Big Important Moments!!!

Image Credit: Getty Images

• Simone Biles may attempt to get her first uneven bars skill named after her, which would give her at least one named skill on every apparatus
• A new Olympic sport called “breaking” (the “formal” term for breakdancing) will debut at Paris for the first time, which means you can now get a gold medal for spinning on your head (keg stand not yet eligible)
• The women’s record for most Olympic gold medals currently stands at 9 (held by Soviet gymnast Larisa Latinya from the 50s) — Katie Ledecky, Isabelle Werth, and Simone Biles have a chance to beat it
• USA women’s basketball star A’ja Wilson could break the Olympic record for most points scored in a single game, if she can get to 40
• This is the US men’s soccer team’s first return to the Olympics since 2008 (meanwhile, the women’s team has four gold medals — a good topic to bring up around your cousin’s vaguely misogynistic boyfriend)

When In Doubt…

• Ask your friends which Olympic sport’s athletes would be most and least likely cheat on you
• Follow any athlete’s feat with a simple, “couldn’t be me”
• Complain about the Wicked press tour