Talking Shit With Abbi And Ilana: A Conversation About Poop

Poop. It is our greatest equalizer. There are universal etiquettes we observe, noises we ignore, rituals we practice. We stand — sit, or squat — together. And yet, specifically for women, there is an unavoidable shame surrounding “the business.” This is not to suggest details about your bowels make it into your Hinge bio, but number two anxiety shouldn’t be number one in your life. In a partnership with MiraLAX, Broad City’s Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer have set out to destigmatize poop talk and lighten women’s loads, literally.

MiraLAX found that women are more than twice as likely as men to report pooping less than three times a week, finding that a leading cause of this constipation is because of women’s higher levels of stress. You don’t need to be a scientist to cosign on that.

In the new MiraLAX ad, Abbi and Ilana discuss the effects of having some clogged pipes over brunch in NYC; the three minute and 12 second ad is what the Sex and the City reboot wishes it was. In the name of humor and destigmatization, Betches exclusively sat down with Abbi and Ilana to do what we do best: talk shit.

Talking Shit With Abbi Jacobson And Ilana Glazer: A Conversation About Poop

Betches: What’s your message to people who claim that girls don’t poop?

Ilana Glazer: I actually remember a misogynist “joke” in high school that girls don’t poop and if girls did, it was gross. So I really appreciate your take on this. It is important to talk about poop as women. Everybody poops. It’s a healthy part of life.

Abbi Jacobson: Yeah, it really is. I think as I get older, I’m really like, “It’s so important and it’s so essential.” It affects your whole life. And I mean women… I hate that this is a thing that we’ve been brought up in culture that’s like, “Oh my god, do not poop in front of anyone or…” Not that I poop in front of anyone, but like, “Don’t talk about it, don’t acknowledge it.” And I guess we just did a lot on the show… Yeah, it’s kind of a ridiculous thing that we ever didn’t discuss it.

Ilana: Right. And it’s also like… What you’re bringing up for me is it’s like a caring question. I’ll ask people like, “How’d you sleep?” And also like, “How are you pooping?”

Betches: It’s important.

Ilana: I’m just coming to realize that it’s a caring question to ask. Sorry, we’ll be asking you it ASAP.

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Betches: What are your bathroom essentials? Set the scene.

Ilana: I hate to say it… It’s an addiction, but my phone relaxes me. To sit and scroll, it helps me relax.

Abbi: I actually like music.

Ilana: Nice.

Abbi: Yeah, I like some music.

Ilana: What kind?

Abbi: I don’t know. I mix it up, but I think it’s a nice ambience.

Ilana: I enjoy a candle as well.

Betches: Any specific scent?

Ilana: Something more earthy and wood-based.

Betches: I like that. Okay. Now I’m going to throw some situations your way. What do you do if you clog the toilet?

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Abbi: Been there. Like truly tough. Tough.

Ilana: Right. It depends where you are. That’s really the dependent factor.

Abbi: Honestly, call a friend first.

Betches: Phone a friend.

Ilana: Yeah, phone a friend.

Abbi: Just so you’re not doing it… It’s not all alone.

Ilana: And just to process.

Abbi: Not to come over?

Ilana: No, no, no, just to process what’s happening if you’re in a place that’s not your own home.

Abbi: I’m trying to think of a scenario where I’ve…

Ilana: Oh, god.

Abbi: Okay. I would say there are tools.

Ilana: To use.

Abbi: To get rid of a problem like that.

Ilana: What do you mean a plunger? You got to know how to use a plunger.

Abbi: Yeah. That’s kind of a helpful…

Ilana: I think my thing about phoning a friend is just I have to emotionally process and then tell someone and figure it out.

Abbi: And then also it makes it funny for sure. If you’re just by yourself, you have to be like, “This is so…”

Ilana: Spiraling.

Abbi: And if it’s public…

Ilana: If you’re laughing about it with a friend, then it can become a humility thing. And it’s also about the stigma that we’re talking about, especially for women. You’re disgusting if you clog a toilet. No, you’re a human being. So if I can laugh about it, then I can address…

Abbi: I think laugh about it. I think that’s important, be like, “Here we go. Of course, I thought life was good and now here we go.”

Betches: It’s humbling.

Abbi: Yeah. That’s for sure.

Betches: If you’re in a public place and you’re feeling poop shy, what do you do?

Abbi: I think this is interesting because I was thinking about this again with my old age, but earlier in my life I’d be like, “I can’t go. I don’t want to have to go in public.” And now I’m like, “Fucking go.” This is really important. Fuck it. You should just get over that and just go. And it’s like, who gives a shit? But if you are poop shy, I guess it depends again where exactly you are. I don’t know. What do you think?

Betches: Say you’re in Penn Station…

Abbi: Have you been to Penn Station lately?

Betches: It’s actually kind of gorgeous.

Abbi: Oh my, fucking stunning. Stunning.

Ilana: It’s beautiful.

Abbi: I was recently going with someone and I was like, “Here we go. Beware of Penn Station, it’s disgusting.” And it’s beautiful. So I would say go there. Go out of your way to go to Penn Station.

Betches: Alright, let’s say you’re on a plane, you’ve got to do your thing. It’s not the most ideal. Tips for what to do 40,000 feet in the air?

Abbi: I feel like plane bathrooms are somehow getting smaller.

Ilana: Yeah.

Abbi: I don’t know what you do if you are tall or anything.

Ilana: I know.

Abbi: That’s a tough one.

Ilana: I just took a fight last week and I think I did poop on way back from Omaha to New York and for me it was sort of last minute… I’m not sitting and chilling and relaxing on a plane toilet. I’m waiting until we’re ready to go. And then I want to spend as little time in there as possible.

Abbi: What if there’s a line?

Ilana: I waited until the person sat and just watched. I want to spend as little time in the coffin that is an airplane bathroom as possible.

Abbi: That’s good.

Betches: Next, you’re at a one night stand’s apartment. You wake up in the morning, you have no choice… nature is calling.

Ilana: It’s been years. What? That sounds like a nightmare.

Abbi: I feel like I used to…

Ilana: Not sleep over… I think you gotta be like, “I’m going to go to the bathroom. Ha ha ha.” And make it a thing and then be like, “And I’m going to play music and you should too.”

Betches: I like that.

Ilana: Instead of pretending you don’t poop.

Abbi: If you like them, it could be really cute. Like, you look back on that moment and you’re like, “Remember when you were honest and you said you had to go?”

Ilana: That’s sweet. Yeah. That’s sweet.

Betches: I can hear that in the vows… the moment I knew it was real… Okay, two more rapid ones. Are you crumblers or folders? In terms of your toilet paper.

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Ilana: Wow.

Abbi: Folder.

Betches: Folder.

Ilana: Also a folder.

Abbi: That’s such a good question.

Ilana: Yeah. Wow.

Betches: It tells a lot about a person.

Ilana: Yeah. Wow. I never thought about that. Folding honors the process.

Abbi: Crumbling is wild.

Ilana: You’re in denial that you’re pooping. You’re like, “Forget it. Forget.” You know what I mean? You’re grabbing, you’re crumbling, you’re wiping your gunk. Folding, it’s like, “Okay, let’s end this.” You know what I mean? Let’s really end this.

Betches: Folding does honor the process, I love that.

Ilana: And say goodbye. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Good question.

Betches: Okay, so for some reason it’s not weird to ask people where the craziest place they’ve ever had sex is, but where’s the craziest place you’ve ever had to poop?

Ilana: I don’t know exactly where it was with the context, but I know I’ve pooped in a porta-potty on a New York City sidewalk, which is bonkers, wrong, deeply wrong.

Abbi: This isn’t weird. This is gorgeous.

Ilana: That’s weird in a funny way.

Abbi: Yeah, I went on this trip down the Grand Canyon and we slept outside on the beach and they set up this big canister every time, every night we slept up the hill on a beautiful spot and if you had to go, that’s where you went. And it was incredible.

Ilana: Wow.

Abbi: Because it was a view of the Grand Canyon.

Ilana: Was there no seat and you were just using your body?

Abbi: No, there was a seat. They set up a thing.

Ilana: Cool. Oh, that sounds gorgeous.

Abbi: Yeah, that was pretty great.

Betches: A perfect note to end on. Great visual.

Abbi: There you go.