Please Don't Talk to Me Unless It's About 'RHORI'

In Rhode Island, it’s a matter of state law that every sentence must start with: “In Rhode Island…”

In Rhode Island… I’ve spent most of the opening two episodes of Bravo’s latest Real Housewives show trying to tell these seven brunettes apart, but once you get past that, visually, they all resemble AI versions of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s obvious that these ladies all bring something different to the table. In Rhode Island… there’s a refreshing mix of women who seem like they’ve ended up on a reality show by accident, and other wives who seem more savvy to the platform and aren’t afraid to get a little messy. And in Rhode Island, there’s plenty of pre-existing beef: cheating allegations, polyamory, and even a horny foot doctor. Here’s an unfiltered guide to who’s who — and who they remind us of after literally 2 episodes.

Alicia Carmody – The Ditzy Diva

Alicia is RHORI’s first “center clam” — and it’s easy to see why, because she seems like the archetypal Rhode Island woman: glamorous, Italian, gossipy, and born and raised in the state, with the adorable accent where she drops the “r” from most words. Alicia has got a lot of quirks, such as a cracker addiction and a kooky sense of humor. (She didn’t know whether “folklore” was a word — pls don’t tell the Swifties.) She’s ditzy, and she’s definitely a flip-flopper — I get the sense we’re going to see her riding the fence and changing her mind a lot as the show continues.

Rhode Island’s answer to: Alexia Nepola, Kathy Hilton, Lynne Curtin

Rosie DiMare – The Gossip Girl

Rosie feels like a plucky underdog — a Housewife who is on the younger side, who knows the potential of reality TV and is determined to seize it. As someone with a media background, she brings a strong confessional game and, out of all of the cast, she seems the least afraid to get a little messy. When she went head-to-head with Jo-Ellen, we saw that she’s also got a sensitive side. She can dish it out, but can she take it?

Rhode Island’s answer to: Brandi Glanville, Whitney Rose, Brynn Whitfield

Ashley Iaconetti – The Naive Newbie

Sometimes, not often, you meet a Housewife and you just want to give her a hug — and that’s how I feel about Ashley. Despite living in Rhode Island for four years, she doesn’t seem to have many friends there. And interestingly, while she might feel new to the state, she’s more seasoned when it comes to reality TV, having met her (outrageously, unfairly, unreasonably hot) husband, Jared Haibon, on Bachelor in Paradise. Speaking of which, Ashley’s marriage seems to be in crisis — and boy, haven’t we seen that before? She alternates between a certain goofiness as she observes these women from a distance, while also sharing the raw moments from her marriage and getting teary. Hopefully she’s not too nice for this group.

Rhode Island’s answer to: Gina Kirschenheiter, Kristen Taekman

Liz McGraw – The Glue Guy

Liz is the proverbial oyster plate who brings the cast together for the fans to feast on. The Dolores Catania doppelgänger seems to have known pretty much everyone since childhood and has a glossary of iconic phrases, like: “Does a dawg have an ass?” Liz has a really interesting backstory too, as the stepmother to four daughters. (And in Housewives first, she says that DNA testing revealed that she and her husband are related. Plot twist!) As someone who describes herself as “allergic to bullshit,” she’s loyal, but she’ll cut you down to size if you cross her. I get the sense that Liz is a vault of secrets. In episode 2, she confesses to some sort of emotional relationship with a close friend that was more than platonic — and it feels like there’s more revelations to come. *grabs popcorn*

Rhode Island’s answer to: Dolores Catania, Angie Katsanevas, Dorinda Medley

Rulla Nehme Pontarelli – The “My Marriage Is Perfect, I Swear” Girlie

Rulla is a magnet for controversy, and sticks out early on as someone who has come onto reality TV but isn’t prepared to be honest about her life. (And, well, we all know how that goes…) Rumors are swirling that her husband (a podiatrist) is, in Alicia’s words “doing more than rubbing foot,” but she seems to have her head in the sand, to the point where she’s coming across as delusional. Alongside her marital Stockholm Syndrome, she’s also conducting herself with a sense of righteousness that doesn’t feel earned at all, and nothing she says quite adds up. When shit hits the fan, she’s going to make great TV.

Rhode Island’s answer to: (Season 1) Camille Grammer, Alexis Bellino, Karen Huger

Kelsey Swanson – The Sugar Baby

Kelsey is one of those hilarious Housewives who has joined the show and made her entire storyline about one specific topic — in this case, her open relationship with a mystery millionaire who has funded her life for the last decade — but is acting completely outraged whenever her castmates talk about it. Like many Housewives we’ve seen before, it seems like Kelsey is hoping to use the show to emancipate herself from a dynamic that’s no longer serving her. And it soon transpires that she has not one, but two boyfriends. I’m hoping Housewives will help her to realize that, in the words of Nicole Scherzinger: I don’t need a man! I’m rooting for her.

Rhode Island’s answer to: Ashley Darby, Erika Jayne

Jo-Ellen Tiberi – The Regina George

As the self-annointed Queen Bee of the group, Jo-Ellen’s reputation precedes her. (She’s so polarizing, she requires two first names.) In episode 1, we saw a glimpse of her fiery side when she faced off with Rosie, who described her as “really fun when she’s not being mean.” Jo-Ellen’s biggest feud is with Rulla. After informing Rulla of her husband’s infidelity last year, there is no love lost between the pair — and it’s shaping up to be an iconic Housewives rivalry. The way they’ve hit the ground running feels vaguely reminiscent of Jen Shah and Mary Cosby’s “smell like hospital” drama in season 1 of RHOSLC. Jo-Ellen is going to be that Housewife who has equal haters and defenders. And one thing’s for sure — you don’t want to cross her.

Rhode Island’s answer to: Teresa Giudice, Gizelle Bryant, Larsa Pippen

Written by Louis Staples