That’s It, We’ve Lost The Plot With Wedding Guest Dress Codes

I’m not sure who decided and when that weddings and all wedding-related events have to be an extreme sport, but I can say with certainty: The girls are tired. From the moment a special someone gets down on one knee, brides, bridesmaids, and now even pedestrian wedding guests are launched into cortisol crises about how to celebrate, what to spend, and, naturally, WTF to wear on the big day. And if you think that last conundrum is reserved for the wedding party alone, you’re dead wrong; just spend approximately 60 seconds scrolling on TikTok, and you will for sure find yourself looking at a stressed-out wedding guest asking for help on what to wear.

That’s where Danielle Bernstein, AKA the founder behind WeWoreWhat, decided she was not, in fact, like other girls. For the first time in history (okay, I can’t prove that), Danielle decided to create shoppable links for engagement party guests to pick outfits from, directly curated by her. To be fair, Danielle did say this site was designed to help her partygoers who already planned on buying something new, but that didn’t stop the internet from having big opinions on whether or not this move was OTT (it’s me, I’m the internet). I’m all about a bride having everything she wants on her wedding day, but holy hell, I think we’ve lost the plot with wedding guest dress codes, and Danielle Bernstein picking out wedding guest dress options is the proof.

Danielle Bernstein’s Engagement Party

Just to be clear, I love love and I love an open bar even more, so I’m all about any couple (WeWoreWhat and her man included) going all out for the biggest party(s) of your life. But I had to do a double-take when I saw Stitches infiltrating my feed, critiquing Danielle for building a curated list of outfit options for her guests. In Danielle’s own words, she did something “a little bit different” as an “influencer” by creating “shoppable links to dresses” that she thinks will be “so perfect” for her engagement party theme. Yes, you read that right, this is just for the engagement party. No, WWW did not clarify if she was getting influencer commish off those shoppable links or if she’d continue the practice for her wedding, but the answer to the latter seems like a likely yes since she described her engagement bash as “wedding-sized.”

Like sure, on one hand, you could argue this is a thoughtful timesaver for those who wouldn’t dare go to a wedding event wearing something already in their closet (though it’s not lost on me she didn’t mention anything about menswear, adding just another pink tax for the ladies in attendance). From the sounds of her video, Danielle isn’t making the dresses she chooses mandatory, and guests are welcome to we-wore-whatever they want at the end of the day. But tell me if you got this link from a bougie bride (again, just for the opening wedding event!) that you wouldn’t feel some modicum of pressure to purchase something from the approved list knowing others likely would?

We are in a cost-of-living crisis/quiet recession, so there’s something not very demure nor very mindful about specifying yet another expense that wedding guests should pay on top of gifts, travel, and time to be there for you. BTW, it’s not the end of the world if two women end up in the same Revolve gown (in fact, I love that scenario to see how people can style looks so differently!). A more humble solution might be letting guests know they can use you as a resource, and then provide some options individually, should they not want to take their quest to TikTok.

Beyond Danielle’s sitch, because frankly, she can do what she wants, I’m kind of over brides obsessing over what their guests are wearing, down to the silhouette. It’s now common practice to share moodboards, link Pinterest pages, or even build Vogue-sized dressing guides for guests to adhere to, when your people (hopefully) care enough and know you well enough to match your vibe without being handheld. I mean this with no tea, no shade, but it’s a party following your wedding ceremony, not the Oscars; does every person need to be in a once-in-a-lifetime look in order for the happy couple to have fun?

I completely understand planning your wedding with a certain aesthetic, but there’s a difference between a dress code and a theme. Dress codes are for sophisticated celebrations, themes are for your dad’s over-the-hill 60th on a golf course or your sister’s denim and diamonds bachelorette night out. You want your guests to feel included, not instructed, so it might be okay to release control of whether your extended family’s getup is “garden party” enough.

And on that note, why are some of y’all sending out invites with Met Gala-level descriptions that your guests need degrees from FIT to decipher? Whatever happened to the six or so standard dress codes that sufficed weddings for the entirety of the 20th century?? I’m talking casual, festive, semi-formal, cocktail, black-tie optional, black tie and white tie, with some wiggle room in between.

Insisting that your guests low-key cosplay as your Sims by wearing garments you handpicked is beyond executing a vision. It’s not only potentially unintentionally insensitive to finances or body image situations you simply cannot know about. It’s kinda sorta weirdo behavior because, well, presumably, you’ve invited a diverse group of fully formed individuals from all walks of life, not a bunch of Barbies born in your wardrobe.

If you think you might be doing too much, ask yourself: do you want a dream wedding with all your favorite people having the time of their lives, or are you looking to throw a runway show like it’s NYFW? Keep that Tim Gunn energy for your wedding party, but when it comes to your general guests, as long as they’re dressed appropriately, make it work, babe.

How To Curate Wedding Guest Outfits Without Being Pushy

Image Credit: Universal Pictures

If you want everyone to evoke fairy vibes, your invite is the first opportunity to plant that seed. Lace your visuals through your invite, RSVP, wedding site, and pre-wedding celebrations (especially the engagement party, if there is one) to set the tone. Putting hand-painted greenery and wildflowers all over everything will get the message across to anyone who was going to listen in the first place.

Besides, your decor, music, and location, location, location are the main tools that are going to cement the mood in real time to help you relish the moment. If you’re getting married in a castle on the Amalfi Coast in the height of summer, you can probs trust your people to not show up in a gothic black long-sleeved number or a khaki pants/polo duo.

Does it really matter what you wear to a wedding as a guest?

Yes and no. If you’re thinking about wearing white, you’re the asshole, do not pass go, do not collect $200, and in fact, just stay home! Also, if the dress code is semi-formal or above, it’s important to make sure you’re meeting the mark by doing a simple Google, phoning a friend, asking a sales associate, or worst case scenario, checking in with the bride or her MOH. If you’re unsure if your fit is fancy enough, chances are it isn’t, and you’d rather be overdressed than look shlubby next to someone’s great grandma on their one night out. So many brides say they set black-tie solely because they know if they don’t, their uncle will show up in flip flops, so a huge part of restoring the wedding guest dress code order is probably getting the weakest links in your nuclear family to step it TF up. Clock in, eldest daughters and sons!

On the other hand, this day is not about you. If your outfit isn’t your favorite outfit on planet earth, just focus on the fact that you’re about to get a baller meal, lots of drinky drinks, and a chance to ugly cry in public (priceless). I promise: nobody is going to be hyper-fixating on that little imperfection you couldn’t see the tailor for. Your own personal style doesn’t have to get thrown to the wayside to make a bride happy, either. If you know she wants tropical vibes for her beach wedding, but you’re a diehard all black everything betch, no one is going to blink an eye if you show up in a dark number with a playful element, like eyelet cutouts.

TLDR: you should deffo follow the dress code, dress up if in doubt, and always put in effort to show respect for the occasion. But at the end of the day, none of that should equal breaking the bank, feeling like you’re not yourself, or needing to dress like you are the bride herself.