Between that pesky little presidential election, the epic flop that was Spotify Wrapped, and all the holding space for the lyrics of “Defying Gravity,” I feel like I’ve lived at least 100 lives since the It Ends With Us era. And yet, that whole Don’t Worry Darling-esque PR catastrophe went down just four short months ago. To jog your memory, there was a rumored major feud between director and star Justin Baldoni and Blake Lively, who costarred in the Colleen Hoover movie adaptation. There were reports that Blake hijacked creative control and there were also reports that Justin offended her (with seemingly harmless comments). Considering the fact that basically no one in the cast followed Justin on Instagram by the time the film premiered, I get the feeling that the project was a generally tense, negative experience for the actor/director and podcast host. In a new interview, Justin revealed that he had a “breakdown” while filming It Ends With Us. Here’s what he said about the events and emotions that led up to that.

Justin Baldoni’s It Ends With Us Breakdown, Explained

Why Did Justin Baldoni Have A “Breakdown” While Filming It Ends With Us?

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While discussing the movie on a December 4 episode of the How to Fail podcast, Justin spoke about some of the hardest parts of filming It Ends With Us. He described having a “breakdown” that was actually not Blake-related, despite my immediate assumptions. “Directing is a very lonely job, I’ll just be very candid,” he said. Justin explained that because you’re “at the top of this totem pole,” it’s not always easy to “share your anxiety or your nervousness about something because you’re also the leader.”

But the stress went beyond normal directing anxieties — Justin found it really difficult to portray an emotionally and physically abusive person. He said that embodying that character was “a very strange place to be” mentally and he had to “remove myself and go and shake it out” throughout filming. Yeah, can’t say I’d ever sign up to play a character like Ryle. “I’ve done a lot of somatic therapy so there were times when I was actually just shaking,” he said.

Justin’s breakdown happened after he filmed the scene where Ryle goes through Lily’s phone and is infuriated by what he finds. “He doesn’t harm her but you can see in his eyes how dangerous he is,” Justin noted. “After that scene, I had a near breakdown.” According to the actor, it took him months to totally get Ryle out of his system. “I had dreams as him for a while, and it lived in my body,” he recalled. Yikes.

While Blake received backlash for treating the film like a cutesy rom-com, Justin was praised for taking the role seriously and for speaking out against domestic violence during the promo. Props to him for doing the work, but I’m relieved he’s Ryle-free now.