Fine We’ll Ask: Who Are All These Randos on ‘The Valley’?

I’ll be the first to admit when Bravo announced another Vanderpump Rules spinoff featuring all the worst people from the original flavor I wasn’t exactly thrilled. More Jax Taylor? In this economy?? But then the trailer dropped and I had to be honest with myself… it looked kinda good (or maybe this season of VPR is so lackluster it’s just exciting by comparison).

One thing the previews have guaranteed is a bunch of brand-new fame-hungry faces that think they deserve a shot at Bravo’s hall of fame. Although she isn’t featured, Lisa Vanderpump is an executive producer on The Valley, which does provide a tiny vote of confidence that they might not totally suck, right? Let’s get into The Valley cast details and unpack this dysfunctional family tree… and pray to God one of them can deliver a suburbanized Scandoval ASAP.

The Valley Cast

Jax Taylor (44) And Brittany Cartwright (35)

To know them is to love them be traumatized by nine years of their relationship drama, but there have’s been some good times too. Remember when Jax proposed at a crab shack? Or when they became entrepreneurs and celebrity chefs at the same time with Mamaw’s Beer Cheese? Even though they’re parents now, Jax and Britt have announced (and unannounced) their separation, so safe to assume they’ll deliver their special brand of chaotic love.

Kristen Doute (41) And Luke Broderick (32)

Since Kristen’s triumphant open-toed return to Vanderpump Rules last season, I’ve been curious what the Witch of Weho has been up to. Apparently, she’sit’s been moving in with her boyfriend, future baby daddy, and Sex, Love, and What Else Matters podcast co-host Luke. Luke’s Midwest vibe is a far cry from her previous type (narcissistic bartenders who straighten their hair/British DJs with anger problems). Good for you, girl.

Danny Booko (40) And Nia Booko (34)

If you recognize Danny Booko, you’re probably old enough to pour a big ol’ glass of wine while watching this show. He appeared in 2000s classics such as The Suite Life of Zach and Cody, Hannah Montana, and iCarly according to Danny’s IMDb (and my memory as a geriatric millennial). His wife Nia has also spent time in the spotlight as Miss USA. The pair recently welcomed a set of twins who may one day call his castmate “Uncle Jax.” Let that sink in.

Jesse Lally (43) And Michelle Saniei Lally (36)

Jesse is one of Jax’s besties from his New York modeling era so that’s possibly all we need to know about him but for good measure, he’s also a successful realtor. Michelle is a realtor too, who left Hilton & Hyland (as in the company that’s been causing drama in the Kathy Hilton/Kyle Richards family tree for decades now) to launch her own brokerage with her husband. Living together, working together, and raising a three year old? Yeah, sounds like they’ll have a lot of motivation to act up on camera.

Janet Caperna (34) And Jason Caperna (40)

Janet has the hottest husband on The Valley and for that, we salute her. She also spends much of her freshman season extremely pregnant and judging by Janet’s Instagram that’s gonna be a lot of her personality on the show. Jason is a lawyer who low-key seems too normal to be involved in this mess but only time and a few cocktails will tell.

Jasmine Goode (36)

If you recognize Jasmine, you’re either a proud member of Bachelor Nation or paying way too much attention to the sidelines during NFL games. As someone who got dumped on national television and had to support The Dallas Cowboys publicly, Jasmine should be able to handle anything the former SURvers dish up.

Zack Wickham (35)

Brittany’s back home bestie was basically auditioning for Vanderpump Rules every time he appeared so it’s no surprise he’s giving reality TV a full-time go. The sneak peeks show Zack scene-stealing in contentious moments with Janet Caperna but he’s also a documented pal of lead Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger (???) so I’m sure Zack knows how to sing back-up, too.