When Jax and Brittany bullied their way back onto my TV screen, I knew there’d be drama. What I did not expect was for basically all of the other couples on The Valley to have just as much relationship drama (silly me). Like, if love is in the air, these people must be operating off of a different air supply because if the premiere is any indication these relationships are meeeeessssyyy (and it’s only bound to get a whole messier). From differing states of mind to literal state lines, a million things threaten to tear these couples apart, so much so that we could benefit from a couples therapist chiming in with real-time analysis every Tuesday night. But for better or for worse, you’re stuck with me instead. Let’s take a look at which The Valley couples have broken up and which are the next Lisa and Ken.
Brittany and Jax: Separated
Jax and Brittany at a red carpetImage Credit: Getty Images
As anyone with the internet now knows, Brittany and Jax have separated. Since Brittany moved out into an Airbnb in late January (still waiting on that Airbnb tour, btw), the couple has publicly admitted to taking time apart without closing the door on a chance at reconciliation. While Jax has attempted to quell the rumor mill, Brittany has been more forthright about wanting marriage counseling, a better sex life, and for Jax to go out and party less. Considering Jax just opened a new bar in Studio City… maybe two out of three ain’t bad?
Jesse and Michelle: Seriously Separated
While we haven’t seen the intricacies of Michelle and Jesse’s relationship the way Vandperump Rules has exposed us to Jax and Brittany’s, just one episode was enough to raise quite a few red flags. Michelle quietly begging Kristen to ask more questions before taking the next step with Luke was low-key heartbreaking, but I can’t blame her after needing to employ ujjayi breathing exercises just to get through their interview scenes during which Michelle cringed at the suggestion of calling Jesse “loving.” The future does not look bright for these two business partners so I hope that pre-nup is locked and loaded.
Janet and Jason: Happily Together
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Finally, some marital bliss. If I was heavily pregnant, Jason is the kind of level-headed, successful partner I’d want there to hold my hand while I stuffed my face with hot dogs. The Valley season trailer does preview a little skirmish between the first-time parents-to-be, but with the amount of hormones pumping through her veins and Jason being a mere man and all, some fighting is to be expected.
Kristen and Luke: Happily Together (Kind Of)
I say kind of because as Luke told the bros, his life is in Colorado, not Los Angeles. Still, Kristen seems the happiest she’s ever been in a relationship and happy enough to want to start a family with Luke. How that’s going to work when his primary residence is a medium-sized road trip away? Not sure, but if Kristen and Luke are being honest about their commitment to each other, it seems like they’ll be able to figure it out. Even if Jax does try to sabotage them by to inviting her ex Alex to boys’ night, as previewed on tonight’s episode.
Danny and Nia: So Happy It’s Suspicious
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I’m kidding…ish. Like, I have zero reason to suspect Danny and Nia are nothing less than the faith-driven perfect match they’re presenting themselves. But are they too perfect? Nia was quite literally Miss USA and Danny was a Disney Channel dream boy, FFS. Maybe this is (definitely) just my trust issues working overtime, but I’ve got my eye on these two — as long as their airtime doesn’t magically dwindle because Bravo doesn’t want us to see people be happy.